


Help

by KawaiiWriter



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Acts of Kindness, Aftermath of Violence, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Brother/Brother Incest, Child Abuse, Crying, Depression, Domestic Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Family, Father/Son Incest, Forgiveness, Hope, Japanese, Japanese Character(s), Justice, Kindness, Loneliness, Love, M/M, Men Crying, Pain, Physical Abuse, Psychological Trauma, Puberty, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Violence, Therapy, Threesome - M/M/M, Verbal Abuse, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-24 02:03:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21330442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KawaiiWriter/pseuds/KawaiiWriter
Summary: Haru Takuya was a video game loving 10-yr old living with his single dad and older brother when his dad started doing unspeakable things to both of them. Being very young and impressionable, Haru struggles physically and psychologically and latches onto his school teacher, who is also the only one acknowledging the things that are likely happening to him at home. The question is: will she be able to help?This is a story about the hardships that come w/child sexual abuse and violence, and how the smallest acts of kindness can save a person from torment. It is loosely based on a true story but further details regarding that will not be addressed here. As an author, I have decided to write and publish this story in hopes of being set free from the story itself- if that makes sense. I don't have a child-rape fetish and I take this subject matter VERY seriously. This may be very difficult for some people to read and is pretty graphic so proceed at your own risk. With that, I assure you there IS a light at the end of this long tunnel :).P.S. Each chapter is from a certain "POV" which stands for Point of View so you get more than 1 angle of the story. Each POV will be listed in the chapter's summary.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	1. The Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POV: Haru Takuya

I don't remember my mother...not entirely. I only have one memory: the four of us on our way back from dinner, listening to a radio talk show and laughing together. Shortly after that, she wasn't around anymore. I must've been 3 or 4 years old at the time, but all I knew was that every day she didn't walk through the door I was sad. I didn't even remember my dad's reason for her absence. Eventually I asked my brother Ren why she hadn't come back yet and he said she went to heaven and that God "needed" her more than we did. And my kind, young heart accepted that excuse because I thought if someone else truly needed her more then it was only fitting that they should get to keep her.

"What are you daydreaming about, Haru?" My dad asked as I suddenly felt the weight of my chin in my hand against the windowsill of the passenger's seat, watching the colorful trees roll by.

"You need to pay attention. If you're just as dumb as last year you'll never get into a university." He barked.

"Yeah, yeah I know. I'll try harder I promise."

The brakes screamed out as we pulled into the gas station parking lot.

"Alright, here's your stop. Don't get mugged on your way to school." He said, slamming the car door shut and trudging inside to grab his usual pack of cigarettes and a dirty magazine before heading into work.

"See ya." I said and swung my canvas bag around my shoulder, walking in the opposite direction towards the school.

This was our usual routine since we lived fairly close to my elementary school in Shinjuku but Dad's job was in Tokyo so he didn't have a lot of time in the mornings. 4 blocks still felt like a lot since I was pretty small even for a 5th grader and had a ton of books in my bag for the first day of class. The air around me was crisp and clean, gently tussling my messy black hair which was long enough to cover part of my face. Since I never bothered to brush it, the pieces would lie in fluffy chunks around my head and hanging over my blue eyes. Still, the breeze always felt nice on the street leading up to the school.

When I walked up to the building I searched for my locker and changed my shoes, looked at the board to see which classroom I'd be in, and made my way there.

"Yo, Haru! What class you in?" My friend Gorou asked from across the hall as he ran towards me with a wave and a friendly smile.

"I'm in 2-C, you?"

"Damn! I'm in 2-B...maybe we can eat lunch together!" He said as he scratched the back of his head, clearly fighting back the same disappointment I had. Gorou and I had been friends for about a year since we both transferred not too long ago and didn't have many friends. We loved video games so sometimes we'd get online and play together since both our families were strict about having friends over.

_"DING DONG"_ The class bell rang so we parted ways and went to our respective classrooms. Something about the halls were comforting...the soft blue on the bottom half of the walls, the faint smell of dust and dirt mixed with some kind of cleaning solution. I walked into my classroom and followed the diagram on the blackboard to find my seat. The class was fairly large and carpeted, with an area for activities towards the back wall. I took my seat towards the back middle of the classroom and waited for the teacher to start her introduction.

"Welcome everyone! My name is Aki Mizuki, but you can call me Ms. Mizuki. I'm pleased to meet you all and I hope we will have a great year together!"

_"Nice to meet you!"_ The classroom said in monotonous unison. She had short, straight brown hair that almost touched her shoulder. It wasn't cut in layers but was still somehow wispy and fluffy, falling against her glasses that sat on a sort-of-button nose. From my seat I could tell her eyes were a beautiful hazel color and she had a petite frame about her. For some reason her smile was just as comforting as her classroom although I couldn't figure out why, but in that moment I felt so relaxed.

_"Man, I don't care what anyone says...school's really not all that bad."_ I thought to myself as I pondered what kinds of fun memories I might make during the coming year.

The day went by at an incredibly slow pace and Gorou never came to my classroom for lunch.

_"Maybe he made some friends in his class..."_ I thought to myself, a tinge of jealousy in the back of my subconscious.

"Don't forget to bring something meaningful for tomorrow's activity! See you in the morning." Ms. Mizuki said as she finished the teachings and the bell excused the class for the day. I gathered my things and stepped out into the hallway, standing on the tips of my toes.

"GOROU!" I called out, but I couldn't find my friend in the sea of other kids. I decided to just head to my locker so I could change my shoes and get to the gas station where my dad was probably waiting for me.

"Haru!" I heard Gorou call out from across the lockers so I made my way over to him.

"Gorou! How was your first day?"

"It was awesome! Our teacher brought cupcakes and everything. He's even going to let us take practice exams for all the major tests this semester!"

"Wow, sounds like you got a nice deal!"

"Yeah, what about you, Haru?"

"My teacher is really sweet! And her classroom has this fluffy carpet on the floors...it all makes me kind of sleepy to be honest!" I said, laughing through the exhaustion it had already caused.

Since Gorou and I hadn't seen each other all summer we had a lot to catch up on and we talked for what felt like 20 minutes but after a while I noticed there was hardly anyone at their lockers anymore and the sun was sinking lower in the sky.

"Shoot...I need to get going. You know how my dad gets..."

"Is it that late already? I didn't even notice! Well, it was nice talking to ya. See you tomorrow!"

"Sure thing! Bye Gorou." We went our separate ways and I ran to the gas station, already fearing that my dad would yell at me in the car for being late.

Dad was never very happy from what I remembered. I asked Ren what he was like before mom died and supposedly he was really fun and carefree but I never got to see that side of him. He'd always been cold and short-tempered. But all things considered, I counted myself lucky since things could've been much worse and at least we weren't poor.

I approached the gas station, winded, and and ran up to my dad who was standing outside the car. Suddenly it felt like my chest exploded and all the air abandoned my body. I fell to the ground, clutching onto my chest and gasping for air.

"What did I tell you about being late?" My dad spat out, standing over me. I pressed one palm to the cold concrete and tried to focus on the checkered pattern of his shoes as my vision regained some clarity. He had been mad before but never like this...

"I'm...sorry..." I managed to mumble as I coughed through the pain that his knee had just forced into my torso.

"Get up." He ordered as he grabbed my hair and clumsily tossed me into the passenger's seat, slamming the door and almost catching my leg in the process. That drive home was the scariest I had ever been through; he was completely drunk.

We got home and dad went straight to bed, snoring as loud as ever. I was relieved since a part of me had this looming feeling that I didn't know what he was capable of and that scared me. Ren made us cup ramen for dinner and we sat on the couch watching TV until our eyelids got too heavy to hold open. I crawled into bed and quickly drifted into a peaceful sleep.

That night I dreamt I was soaring high above the clouds, flying and weaving in and out of them. I could dip down just below the billowing clouds and peer down at the city but I enjoyed being above them...it felt like an entirely different world and I wondered if that's how it felt to be in an airplane. As the sun began to set and color the sky with warm orange hues I looked around and noticed my wings were suddenly gone. I feel quickly towards the ground, trying to grasp the air in order to somehow stop me from falling. I cried out for help but no one was around to save me but the ground kept getting closer and closer. Finally, right as I was sure I'd smack the ground and life would come to an end my eyes popped open.

I woke up in a cold sweat, thinking multiple hours had passed but it was only 11:30 PM.

"Crap!" I whispered to myself since I forgot to find an item to bring with me to class tomorrow.

"She said it had to be something meaningful that has a fond memory attached to it, right?" I got out of bed and crept to our storage room underneath the stairs to rummage through a couple of boxes. The only thing that came to mind was a picture of my mom that dad buried in one of the boxes. He burned every other picture of her except that one and I don't think he was aware that I knew it existed but I used to pull it out every once in a while and try to memorize what she looked like. I sifted through 3 boxes and still didn't find it when I heard a thud on the stairs.

I quickly turned out the light and closed the door but it was too late. The door swung open and thank God it was just Ren.

"What the hell are you doing?!" He whispered. "You know dad doesn't want us going through these boxes..."

"I know but my teacher wanted me to bring something meaningful to class with me tomorrow..."

"Then bring a video game or something." He said as he grabbed my wrist and lead me back upstairs.

"Hey, that hurts! I need to take a crap so let go!" I whispered and went off to the bathroom to do my business. Disappointed, I crawled back into bed and buried my head in the covers, but just then the door opened again.

"I know I know, I'm going to sleep." I said since I assumed my brother was making sure I planned on doing what I was told.

"No you're not." I heard the deep, cold voice of my father standing over me and I froze.

"I...I promise I am...I'm sorry dad." I pleaded, trying to tread lightly on account of the earlier assault.

He pulled all the covers off of me, grabbed my wrist and started pulling me towards his bedroom. I couldn't think of why he'd want me to go there but I went willingly. When he opened the door I saw Ren standing there in the moonlight, hanging his head as if he was about to cry.

"What's wrong?" I asked in confusion.

"Shut up and get on the bed, you little shit," my dad growled, "I've been too lonely without your mom here, so it's your job to take her place, got it?"

"Um...I'm not sure what you mean...you want me to sleep in here now?" I asked and my dad paused for a few seconds while an evil, chilling smile slithered onto his face, his greasy black bangs covering his eyes.

"Yes." He said, crawling over me and onto the bed.

_"Is he still drunk?"_ I thought. _"No...it's been hours and I don't smell it on his breathe...maybe it hasn't fully worn off yet..."_

He gripped both my wrists in his left hand and slammed them against the headboard above my head, pawing at my crotch with the other hand.

"You can do that, right?" He asked with a devilish and desperate grin. "You can keep me company?"

"Um...no...I don't think you should do that..." I said but it didn't seem to phase him. I squirmed and tried to break free from his grip but I got punched in the face for it. My whole head felt tight all the sudden and my eyes involuntarily filled with tears as my nose tingled and ached. He started to slide my pajama pants off of me but couldn't make much progress since I was kicking my legs harder. Just then he punched me in the gut and all my muscles seized up as I curled into a ball.

"That's worked twice now. I'll remember that." He said, getting up from the bed long enough to grab something from the master bathroom. My body wouldn't listen to my desperate internal cries telling it to run away. He came back and sat on the edge of the bed with a bottle and an old rag, shaking some potent liquid onto it. Just as I started to breathe again he cupped the cloth around my nose and mouth but instinctively I didn't want to inhale. All I could do was look up at my dad and try to plead with him with my eyes...but it was no use. I had to breathe and he wasn't letting up. I took a few breathes in and slowly, my body which had been curled in a tight ball, released all of its tension until my limbs felt like tingling noodles. My head went fuzzy and the room adopted a strange floating kind of tilt. My eyelids bobbed up and down like a buoy until settling into barely-open slits. The haze in my head felt hot, like if someone were to touch me my body would burst into flames. Tiny pulses of heat shot down through my torso like sparks from a lighter.

_"huff...huff..."_ I tried to steady my breathing as my father turned me over so I was laying on my back, arms sprawled out to the sides.

He slid my pajama pants and briefs off and started pawing at my penis. I glanced over at my brother who strangely wasn't helping me. I looked over at my right arm, commanding it to move but my fingers could only twitch or slowly make a fist.

"There" I faintly heard my dad whisper and glanced down to see I was completely erect...something I never experienced before.

_"How...why..."_ I thought. _"What is this...and why does it feel...so good..."_

My cheeks felt so hot like they were going to melt and I couldn't stop breathing heavily; swimming in a heady mixture of confused pleasure.

"See? Plenty of fathers and sons do this when their moms aren't around..." He said. I had the feeling he was lying but a part of me wasn't sure. Still...my kind, young heart felt sorry for him. He started to suck me and suddenly I was lost in a black sea of sensations, trying to choke back noises I had never heard before. Tears were streaming down the sides of my face tickling my ears and hair and I used what little energy and focus I had to try and break free but all my strength escaped me. All I could do was lie there and wait for it to be over...

_"Mmmf..._please..._nh_...please stop..." I muttered through my labored breathing and managed to cover my soggy eyes with one arm as he intensified his actions.

_"Nh_-n-no..._huff._..stop..." I said louder this time and looked over at Ren who was sitting in the corner, softly sobbing to himself.

"Ren...help- AHH!-HA..." Suddenly a stream of heated knots pulsed down through my stomach and groin; one after another in a climax as my hips started to rock back and forth involuntarily. My back arched as I cried out with so many emotions and sensations at once...pain, sorrow, pleasure, frustration, surprise, confusion, sadness, desperation. My muscles returned to their previous state: useless jelly attached to my bones. And while my head was beginning to clear before, it was even more dizzy after all that.

_"What is this?"_ I wondered. This wasn't like anything I'd ever experienced but I thought back to my 4th grade teacher telling the class that if a family member touched certain places it wasn't ok. My dad just looked so...happy...in that moment.

_"Is it over now...?"_ I thought as I propped myself up onto my shaking elbows, trying to gain my bearings. My dad went over to the bathroom again and quickly returned with the cloth and another strange looking bottle that he set on the nightstand.

"Ren!" He yelled. "Get over here. Take this cloth and sit at the front of the bed." Ren followed his orders. My father flipped me over and pushed my face into the bed so I could hardly breathe, aggressively lifting my shirt off of me and holding both my wrists painfully behind my back. He leaned in to whisper in my ear:

"I need you to relax or this next part's gonna hurt...a lot..."

I heard a bottle open and close with a few obscene noises following. Trying to breathe into the bed I felt like I was regaining a bit of strength so I tried to get onto my knees for some leverage to break the grip he had on my wrists but my legs trembled with an annoying weakness that I couldn't overcome. My feet slipped backwards as I tried to engage my muscles unsuccessfully. Then, without warning, something pushed up against my back side and my dad gripped onto my hips holding them in place, my legs hanging beneath me.

"Remember what I just said? Re..._LAX!_" my father yelled as he pushed himself inside me just barely, but it was enough to make me scream out in pain which was quickly muffled by my brother half smothering me with the damp cloth from before, making my world grow foggy and confusing again. The pain turned into a weird mixture of pleasure and agony. My brother held the cloth to my mouth off and on as my dad carried out the actions his mind was set on. The chemicals helped to numb the pain more each time my brother pushed the cloth into my face. My insides went back and forth between feeling warm and full, and screaming out in torture. By the time it was over that cloth was stained with just as many tears as it was with the liquid it had been doused in. I couldn't gauge how long this went on for...

I laid on his bed, sprawled out face down with my head in Ren's lap while my dad went to the bathroom and cleaned himself up. I could hear the distant sound of Ren crying from above and whispering, "it's ok now..." as he gently stroked my hair.

"Ren, go to your room and stay there. If I hear you leave you won't be able to walk tomorrow." He threatened. Ren wiped his tears with the sleeve of his shirt, hung his head low and shamefully left the room.

My dad carried me back to my bedroom, not bothering to clean me up or offer any kind of pointless excuse. He just threw me onto my bed, left the room and slammed the door behind him.

_"3:30 AM"_

I mustered enough energy to glance up at my alarm clock before drifting into a brief moment of sleep. When I woke up a few minutes later everything hit me at once: every shred of skin below my waist was crawling...throbbing...burning from being torn up and abused. It felt like I was going to have an accident in my bed so I rolled over and heaved my body onto the floor unintentionally, trying to catch my fall with my arms.

_"Kshh..."_  
The pain was almost unbearable but I didn't want to get punished for having an accident outside of the bathroom, so I used what little strength I had to prop myself up on my nightstand and use the wall to help guide me to the bathroom just a few feet outside my bedroom. I slowly sat on the toilet, crying and dry heaving into my palms, letting my body expel the unwanted fluids it was housing. I stayed there for quite a while, exhausting myself even more until lowering myself down onto the floor next to the toilet. I sat up against the wall, letting the cool tiles offer what little relief they could until sitting upright hurt too badly.

_"Unh..."_ I curled up into the fetal position, holding onto my stomach and making myself dizzy from breathing too heavily.

_"Please stop...how do I make it stop..."_ I wondered. But then I glanced up and saw the medicine cabinet underneath the sink. I pulled myself over to it and rummaged around for anything that might help with the throbbing pain in my back side. All I could find was Migraine Relief pills but I decided if it could help a migraine then it might be able to help me too. I swallowed 2 of them dry and waited for relief...

I slumped over once again curling up and holding my body close to itself as if that would somehow alleviate the torture I was experiencing. I focused on breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. All the muscles in my face felt tight and clenched as I choked through the pain. Eventually the pressure I felt all over started to release enough for my mind to go void of all thoughts and I finally started to drift into a short-lived yet blissful sleep.

The distant sound of an alarm and the sun coming through the cold window woke me up the next morning. I peeled myself off the floor, glancing around, slow and swollen.

_"So it wasn't a dream then..."_ I decided as I used the wall and the sink to try and prop myself up, almost collapsing in the process. My legs were so shaky I could hardly stand and my whole body ached more than I had ever experienced before. But, I was thankful that the medicine I took a few hours before seemed to be working somewhat. I sluggishly took inventory of my injuries, trying to assess whether or not I could handle going to school. My wrists were bruised, lip was busted, cheek bruised, ribs were sore, legs were very weak and the worst sensation was the sharp sting and pain in my back side...every step felt like something inside me was being ripped open as I held onto the wall on the way back to my bedroom.

_"I thought those pills were working...what the hell is this?"_ I thought as I blinked through the discomfort. I closed the door behind me and clenched onto my stomach, collapsing onto my bed and breathing heavily into my comforter. A ray of sun came in through the window, enveloping my face in a warmth that immediately permeated through my entire body as if to say, "rest now..." and I let my eyes sink.

Suddenly the door burst open and my dad was barking orders as usual.

"Get up. You need to go to school today." He said as he pulled my school uniform out of my closet. "You'll never get accepted into a good high school if you're always skipping class." He said as he stormed around my room assembling my things for school. I looked at him in shock, not knowing what to do or say.

"REN!" He yelled down the hallway. "Help your brother get cleaned up!"

I glanced down the hallway through my puffy, sore eyes and allowed Ren to help me for some reason. I was so blindly pissed off at him for allowing those events to unfold the night before but a part of me wanted to believe he was being forced to do those things just the same as I was.

"Here, get in." Ren told me after starting the shower water and letting it get warm.

"I made sure it wasn't too hot...so get in." He said again. But the expression on my face wouldn't change...I felt completely empty. He pushed me into the shower and I slipped and fell onto my knees, adding more bruises to the arsenal.

"Sorry...just...get cleaned up, ok?" Ren told me reluctantly. I stood under the water with my hand on the temperature knob, rotating it back and forth unable to satisfy my mind or my body. I wanted the water to scald my skin...to burn away the sensations of the night before...to wash away every disgusting sound, smell, sight and feeling. But the warmer the water was, the more pain I experienced. At some point I didn't care anymore. It was worth it to feel some physical pain so I could cleanse the grime and sin. Then a thought slowly crept into my mind:

_"__was dad telling the truth? Is this what families do when their moms are gone?"_ But before I could think any more my mind went completely blank. I stood in the stream of water, hand rested on the metal knob, staring at the white tiles until everything in my peripheral vision began to turn white.

"You done yet? We need to go." Ren hissed from the bathroom as I snapped out of my trance. He reached in, pushed my hand out of the way and turned the water off, pulling the curtain back and gently soaking up the water on my body with a fluffy towel. I stared at the tiles that offered comfort just a few hours ago, letting my mind bask in the emptiness it craved. Ren continued to dry me off as tears rolled out of my lifeless eyes and onto my cheeks. He wiped them away and tried to snap me out of it.

"Hey...Haru..." he said, shaking me with both hands on my shoulders. I looked up at him through the tears welling in my eyes again.

"I love you...dad loves you...you know that right?" a confused tear escaped as I nodded.

"Good," he said and trapped me in a cold, hard hug. "Now, you need to get dressed so you can go to school, ok?"

Ren was in his first year of high school so he had to walk every morning in the opposite direction from my school. He helped me get dressed and collect my things so dad could drive me to the gas station. Luckily the pain pills were still helping so I could at least sit up in the car. But, when we got to the station where he usually dropped me off he didn't stop, so I decided to break the silence.

"Where are we going, dad?" I asked.

"To school. It's too hot for you to walk today..." his voice trailed off.

He dropped me off at the front of the school and helped me out of the car, slipping my bag around my shoulder and kneeling down so he could tell me something.

"Listen, Haru. Sorry if I hurt you but that's just the way it is sometimes, okay?" He pleaded.

I nodded in agreement although I wasn't sure myself. He looked around and leaned in closer.

"But...if you every tell anyone about what happens at home..._I will kill you."_ He threatened as he stood up and got back in the car to drive away.

I stared at the car as it drove away and took a step forward, catching myself from falling as my knees grew weaker.

"Haru!" Gorou called out to me.

_"Crap....I don't want to talk to him right now."_ I thought as he ran up to me.

"Sorry, Gorou! I promise Ms. Mizuki I'd get to class early so I gotta run! See you later maybe." I said as I waved to him and ran towards my classroom without changing my shoes. When I finally turned the corner into my class I discovered I was the first one there. I was out of breath but managed to say "Good morning!" to Ms. Mizuki but just then my legs trembled so much as I tried to walk I only hoped she didn't notice as I headed towards my seat.

"Good...morning..." she responded sounding a bit confused.

As I approached my chair I took notice of how the seat looked hard and uncomfortable and my back side was already starting to throb again...but I took a deep breathe and gently lowered myself into the seat.

"Ow-" I said without meaning to as my face also acted on its own, twisting and cringing at the tight stinging and throbbing that started to bellow up inside me.

_"Crap...I think she saw me just now..."_ I thought, having a flashback to what my dad just told me earlier.

"Are you ok Takuya-san?" she asked carefully.

"Uh...heh...yes I'm fine thanks. Just a stomach ache." I reassured her with my voice sounding rougher than normal.

"Okay. Is there a reason you didn't change your shoes?"

I looked down and realized I didn't even stop at me locker. Crap.

"No...I don't know I guess I just forgot." I said with a smile and scratched the back of my head nervously. "Um...I'll...go get them now." I hated the thought of having to walk anywhere let alone sit back down in this chair after all was said and done, but I didn't want her to worry.

"That's ok. Why don't you give me your locker key and I'll get them for you." She offered graciously.

"Are you sure?" I asked, but she just smiled back at my and nodded as she walked towards my desk. I immediately felt like crying but I wasn't exactly sure why... I gave her the key and she reassured me, "I'll be right back. Make sure you greet anyone who comes in, ok?"

"Yeah, sure."

When she got back, half the class was already there so she set the shoes down by my bag and started our second day of class.

"Ok everyone. We're going to start with our items! I hope you all brought something special to you! We're going to have each of you come up and say what you brought and why you picked that item. This way we'll all know more about each other!" Ms. Mizuki explained enthusiastically. "Let's start at the front of the class and go down the line from there."

Each kid got up to show their item and eagerly share information they wanted the class to know. As more and more of my classmates presented their items my body continued to get hotter and hotter until finally I had to start wiping away my sweat with the sleeve of my jacket. I tried to hide my heavy breathing and not make any weird faces but my back side throbbed more and more incessantly. My face hurt where I got punched and with every expansion of my sore ribs I wanted to curl up in a ball again.

2 more kids went.

Then 2 more.

Only a few left until I'll have to go...but I didn't even bring anything. Right now the most valuable thing I own are these shoes that Ms. Mizuki was nice enough to fetch for me...

At this point I could feel my heart beat pounding in my head and down through my groin shooting searing pains throughout...

_"This is...too much..."_ I thought.

_"NGH!-"_ I cried out, clutching my stomach and falling hard onto the floor next to my desk, my ears ringing and blocking any noises from distracting me.

_"Haa...ngh..."_ I couldn't take the pain anymore. I just wanted to die. My whole body was shaking uncontrollably and my vision was going black. I covered my mouth to try and hold back the vomit that was boiling up in my throat.

I slipped in an out of consciousness as my body was being carried through the hallways...I clutched onto this person's shirt trying to fight through the pain which was more intense than ever before. And, I was back to making sounds I never heard come out of me before except these weren't confused with pleasure...only agony. I think I was crying but it was around that time everything went completely dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 Preview:
> 
> "Suspicions"
> 
> POV: Aki Mizuki


	2. Suspicions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Ch. 1:
> 
> Haru has a normal first day of school in 5th grade, but that night his dad brutally rapes him, making his own brother help by holding Chloroform to his mouth to help ease the pain. Having gone through immense amounts of pain during and after this encounter (contrary to what is depicted in many other child rape manga/stories), he is on the fence whether or not what happened was acceptable or typical behavior among families, although he may never know since his father has both threatened and confused him to the point where he probably will not divulge this information to anyone else. 
> 
> Haru tries to go to school the next day but can't endure the pain of sitting in a chair, even though he took some OTC pain medication that morning. He goes into mild shock after falling onto the floor next to his desk. His teacher, Ms. Mizuki, takes him to the nurse promptly and calls his dad who picks him up but does not seek further medical attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch. 2 POV: Aki Mizuki

I always knew I wanted to teach, even from a very young age. When I entered my second year of teaching, I was 24, single, I didn't have any pets and I lived in a small apartment by myself. I guess it sounds lonely but I never needed much; teaching gave me so much life that I didn't feel like anything was missing.

The first day of my second year of teaching was so fun! I had almost all my students' names memorized already and was so excited to meet everyone. When the first bell rang I stood up and said a prayer to myself: _"I hope I can give each of you what you need to succeed...thank you for this opportunity."_

"Welcome everyone! My name is Aki Mizuki, but you can call me Ms. Mizuki. I'm pleased to meet you all and I hope we will have a great year together!"

_"Nice to meet you!"_ they responded.

"To start off, I want to have everyone stand up, say their name, where they're from and one thing they like to do for fun! We'll start in the corner and work our way around."

This was one of my favorite activities since I loved getting to know more about each student. As they went around I tried to memorize each person's information although I couldn't remember every single detail. We got about halfway through the class introductions and were towards the back half of the class now.

"Hello, my name is Haru Takuya, I'm from Shinjuku and um...let's see. There's lots of stuff I like doing outside of school so it's hard to pick just one!" This mousy boy with shaggy black hair and piercing blue eyes stated.

"Which one do you love the most?" I asked.

"Hmm..." he thought hard, "I guess it would be going out to eat with my dad and brother on the weekends!" he said with a big smile.

"That sounds lovely, Takuya-san! Is it ok if I address you that way?" I asked. Not many teachers would ask what a student wanted to be called but given the modern time we lived in I thought it was fitting to ask everyone.

"Yes, that's fine! Thanks for asking."

The rest of the class finished their introductions and I gave them an overview of the curriculum for the semester. We worked on each subject for a while until it was almost time to leave for the day.

"Ok class, I think we're just about done for the day. Who remembers what I said earlier in class about tomorrow?" I asked but no one raised their hand.

"Don't forget to bring something meaningful for tomorrow's activity! Okay, see you in the morning."

_"DING DONG"_ The bell rang and just like that, day 1 was complete.

In the evenings I enjoyed reading or preparing part of the curriculum for later in the year. I had plenty of friends to go out with as well, but most of the time I'd keep to myself and enjoy a glass of wine on my porch which out-looked a beautiful grove of summer trees from the second floor.

Morning came and I got dressed, packed my lunch and my school bag, slipped on my shoes and headed towards the bus station. Today I decided to bring a notebook with me and write down everything I remembered about each student during the bus ride to school which took about 20 minutes. I always got to school an hour earlier than the students so I could prepare all their materials and get some grading done. However, this day in particular started a bit differently than I expected.

"Good morning!" Takuya-san greeted me extra brightly as he slowly made his way to his desk, but looking him over I noticed a few bruises that weren't there before the day before and his legs were strangely shaky.

_"Why is he here so early?"_ I wondered since no other kids had shown up yet. _"And why isn't he wearing his school shoes?"_

It was my least favorite class in college: social work. But, it was required for all teachers in training since there was always a possibility of abuse at home and younger minds were still developing so they didn't always know what was considered inappropriate. Taking that class, just the thought of some of those things happening to any of my students made my stomach turn; all the more reason to never ignore any potential signs.

"Good...morning" I said back in slight astonishment as I watched him set his bag on the floor and carefully climb onto his chair.

"Ow-" he yelped as his face grimaced obviously in pain.

"Are you ok Takuya-san?" I asked gently.

"Uh...heh...yes I'm fine thanks. Just a stomach ache." He responded. His voice seemed hoarse and nervous.

"Okay...is there a reason you didn't change your shoes?"

He looked down in awe as if he didn't realize he was still wearing his own shoes.

"No...I don't know I guess I just forgot." He laughed nervously and smiled at me from across the room, clearly forcing some other emotions down.

"Um...I'll...go get them now." He assured, but the light left his face so quickly I thought he might cry if he had to move.

_"No...this can't be happening"_ I thought, _"maybe he got hurt playing outside or something...maybe it's none of my business..."_ I thought.

"That's ok. Why don't you give me your locker key and I'll get them for you." I said with a smile, but I carefully watched as his expression eased up as if he was elated at the suggestion and also somehow burdened by it.

"Are you sure?" he asked, but I just kept smiling as I walked towards his desk. He looked like he could collapse into tears at any moment. I glanced over the bruises on his body again and noticed specifically that both wrists had rings of faint blue and purple around them.

_"If that doesn't practically confirm it... no. It could still be something else."_

"I'll be right back. Make sure you greet anyone who comes in, ok?" I instructed.

"Yeah, sure."

I walked out of the room, my mind racing with possibilities; anything but the scenario I feared the most.

_"Maybe he was playing with a friend and they were role playing where he was tied up in jail but his friend tied the ropes too tightly? Or maybe he wore a pair of gloves that Velcro around the wrists and he fastened them too tightly... Or maybe if he fell down the stairs and his wrists caught the railing..."_ I shook my head at these ridiculous theories.

_"I'm just going to have to be vigilant...if any other signs pop up that's it. I'm going to ask him what's going on and hope he tells me. That's Plan A."_

I retrieved Takuya-san's shoes from his locker and headed back upstairs. By this time most kids were already heading towards their classrooms but I managed to get back before everyone arrived. I quickly set Takuya's shoes under his desk but by then he was hanging his head down a bit, almost like he was focused on something. Unfortunately I didn't have the luxury of giving those thoughts any more attention since I had a full classroom to address a couple minutes later.

"Good morning everyone!"

_"Good morning Ms. Mizuki!"_ They answered. Since I knew they'd be excited to show their items I explained that they'd take turns telling the class about the items they brought and we started at the front corner of the class. Although I tried to glance over at Takuya every once in a while it was taking most of my concentration just to be fully engaged in each student's presentation. I did notice Takuya seemed to be breathing a bit heavier than before but didn't think too much of it until he started to wipe his forehead with his jacket sleeve and I noticed he was sweating. I let the students continue until finally I was about to say something to Takuya but he moved before I got the chance.

_"NGH!-"_ he cried out, clutching his stomach and falling hard onto the floor next to his desk, clearly in a lot of pain.

_"Haa...ngh..."_ He whined, shaking like a leaf and curling up into the fetal position. I instantly became aware that my body was frozen, so I forced myself into action and ran over to him, kneeling down and trying to assess his condition. He covered his mouth with his hand as though he was about to vomit and at that point I knew something was very wrong.

"Takuya-san, we need to get you to the nurse, ok?" I said but he did not react.

"Everyone, please stay in your seats," I called out to the classroom, "I'm going to take Takuya-san to the nurse and then I'll be right back."

I slid one arm under his legs and supported his back with the other, heaving him up into my arms.

_"He's so light, even for a 5th grader...I wonder if he's eating enough..."_ I pondered as I swiftly traversed the hallways towards the infirmary. He grasped onto my blouse with 1 hand and it felt like he was holding on for dear life, shoving air in and out of his lungs in what seemed like a flurry of discomfort coming from somewhere. My eyes instantly filled with tears at the sounds he was making, as if every step I took was causing him some kind of agony. Then just before I got to the infirmary his body went limp.

"Oh God..." I whispered to myself.

"Ms. Mizuki-" the nurse exclaimed with a shocked look in her eyes, "what's the matter?"

"I don't know, actually." I said as I laid him down on the nearest available bed, "he just fell out of his chair all the sudden and started shaking...it's like he's experiencing a lot of pain but I don't know what caused it or how to help him..." I explained, slightly winded from the trek. The nurse felt his forehead.

"He doesn't have a fever so it might not be a common illness."

"I have to get back to my classroom but please page me as soon as anything happens. His name is Haru Takuya."

"Ok, leave it to me!" The young nurse reassured with a smile.

Towards the end of class my desk phone rang and it was Nurse Emi.

"Ms. Mizuki?"

"Yes, I'm here."

"Takuya-san's father is here to pick him up. Would you like to meet with him to let him know what happened?"

"Yes, very much, thank you. I'll be right there." I practically ran through the hallways trying to get to the infirmary as quickly as possible. When I got there Takuya was mostly conscious and hiding half his face in the blanket of the medical bed. It was hard to take my eyes off of him even for a brief moment but I noticed a middle aged, scruffy looking man with a slightly toned build standing next to the bed.

"Hi, you must be Mr. Takuya."

"Yes, thanks for taking care of my son. What happened?"

"I'm really not sure to be honest...he just collapsed all of the sudden. And..." my voice got unexpectedly quite, "I noticed some strange bruises on him...do you know if he's getting bullied by anyone?" I asked carefully.

"Not that I'm aware...but I'll be sure to talk with him once he's feeling better. We're pretty close so I'm sure he'll tell me."

"Okay, well if there's anything I can do to help please let me know."

"Sure. Thanks Ms. We'd better get going. I'm sure you'll excuse him from classes tomorrow since it looks like we'll need to take a trip to the doctor."

"Oh, yes of course. Please take all the time you need."

He took Takuya in his arms and walked him out of the building. Suspicious of this man, I crept to the window at the front of the school and watched as he carefully loaded Takuya into their car and drove away.

Something seemed...off.

I went home that night and couldn't get my mind off of the events from earlier that day so I warmed up a cup of leftover Miso soup and sat down on my couch with my laptop.

_"Google.com"_

_"Signs of child abuse in school"_ I hesitated to search this phrase but I needed a refresher since it had been quite some time since I thought about these circumstances.

_Bruises with patterns_

_Avoiding physical touch_

_Constantly on high alert_

_Falling asleep in class_

_Reluctant to go home or talk about home life_

The list went on and I closed my laptop taking in a giant breath of air and sighing it out. I finished my soup and went to bed, lying there with a busy mind. An image of Mr. Takuya taking his son in his arms flashed in front of my eyes; the expression his son made and the way his body went rigid when he touched him...

The next morning Takuya wasn't at school. He was absent the day after that and the day after that as well. At that point it was the weekend and I was driving myself crazy thinking of what might be happening to him. So, I decided to call his house to check up on his condition before I left school on Friday. I sat at my desk after all the students had left, hoping and praying that Mr. Takuya would answer.

_"Come on...just pick up the phone."_

"Hello?" A man on the other end greeted me.

"Hi, Mr. Takuya?"

"Yes, who is this?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. It's Ms. Mizuki: Takuya-san's teacher. I just called to check up on him. How's he doing?" "He's much better now that he's had a couple of days to recover."

"That's great news! What did the doctor say? What's his condition?" I asked but there was silence on the other end for too many seconds.

"...well they're not sure. But they said maybe it's mono or it's probably the flu." He said with a distant voice.

"I see...well I'm looking forward to having him in class again. When will he be back?"

"Monday." The man said in a cold voice as if he was ready for this conversation to be over.

"Great. I'll expect to see him Monday then. Is there anything I need to be aware of for when he comes back?"

"No, I don't think so. He's feeling much better now."

"Okay. Thank you for your time. Have a good night."

"Have a good night." He said in a fake warm tone as he hung up the phone.

The weekend went by and once again my mind was filled with best and worst case scenarios. I went out with some friends on Saturday to take my mind off things and did my usual set of grocery shopping and chores on Sunday. I organized my lesson plans for the upcoming week and set out my clothes for Monday morning before crawling into bed to do some light reading. Doing this before bed always helped fight off any bad dreams or restlessness, so I tried to make a habit of it.

_"Haaaaa"_ I yawned deeply into my book as my eyes started to droop.

"Guess it's time for bed, then." I said to myself as I set my book on the nightstand, turned out the light and nestled myself into the comforter. Suddenly an image of Takuya's smiling face from that first day of class flashed before me and with that thought I drifted off to sleep.

At school the next morning I watched for Takuya and as he approached the school he did have a bit more spring in his step. It was reassuring...as if maybe all my speculation was wrong- I sure hoped it was.

"Good morning Takuya-san! It's great to have you back!" I said with a smile.

"Good morning Ms. Mizuki...I'm glad to be back." He said with an empty smile on his face. My heart immediately sank. I thought everything would be better now...but it seems not much had changed since the last time I saw him. He walked halfway to his desk and stopped, the classroom still empty on account of him arriving early once again.

"Hey...um...Ms. Mizuki..." He said with a soft, weak voice. "Can I stand at the back of the classroom today?"

_"..."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 preview:
> 
> "Keep Going"
> 
> POV: Ren Takuya


	3. Keep Going

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Ch. 2:
> 
> Ms. Mizuki'a perspective of Haru's first day of 5th grade and the day after. Also some of her backstory is told, including her experience with social work (IE how to handle situations dealing with abuse, self harm or any otherwise potentially harmful scenario). When Haru comes to class the 2nd day she immediately considers the possibility of abuse but, as many teachers do, she tries to dismiss it and applies some other reasoning (doing this stems from our human instinct to avoid things that could be potentially dangerous or difficult to handle).
> 
> Upon seeing Haru collapse and the way his dad handles the situation, her suspicions rise and she spirals into research, refreshing her memory about abuse and neglect. To make matters worse, Haru misses school for multiple days and comes in the next week looking just as damaged and requesting to stand in the back of the classroom rather than sit in his chair, suggesting things are not better than they were before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch. 3 POV: Ren Takuya

I've always missed my mom, even when she was alive. Any time she left the room I immediately felt my heart sink lower in my chest. In fact, the time we got to spend together as a family became my most cherished memories after she died.

My brother Haru was born 4 years after me, so I just barely remember the day he was born. I know I got to help my mom hold him in the hospital and I was so amazed that she created this tiny creature that was so cute. I felt so lucky that I got to be in this kid's life.

"Always take care of your brother, that's your duty. Okay?" My mom would tell me all the time.

I learned how to change his diaper and how to feed him. I learned that if I pretended his food was an airplane, he was too distracted not to eat it by the time it got to his mouth. And he had these piercing blue eyes that I wanted to steal like they were precious, expensive gems. He had the same messy black hair as me that could never decide which direction it wanted to fall. And eventually he grew to love our family time just as much as me. Once he could walk I'd hold his hand everywhere we went so he wouldn't get lost and would always feel safe.

Then when I was 8, mom died suddenly; she had a stroke while driving and ran her car into a concrete barrier. I always felt like I didn't get enough time with her, but I was more sorry for Haru since he wouldn't have any memories of her, and for dad having to live without her and raise us alone. I tried to set him up with a couple of my elementary school teachers along the way but he progressively got angrier and angrier. When I was 11 he started smoking and drinking a lot more and I noticed our meals getting cheaper and cheaper...probably because he was wasting so much on his addictions. He still went to work every day and visited the gym a few times a week. But, as Haru got older and I started acting out, so did our dad.

He stopped taking us to school and we had to walk on our own...it took us almost an hour to walk all the way there. Luckily my middle school was in the same direction as Haru's elementary school so I was able to keep him company during our morning hike, but his school let out earlier than mine. One day he got home so late I asked why he didn't come straight home after school and he said, "I did...but I waited outside the school for you to come and get me but you never did so I decided to come home..."

I realized how selfish I was being...and that he needed me more than I thought. So, I told him to walk towards my school at the end of the day and I'd meet him there so we could walk home together. I couldn't go out with my friends much but it was okay since I knew it made Haru really happy. Eventually I started playing on the soccer team and the practices ran pretty late after school so Haru had to walk home by himself a lot. He didn't seem too bothered; he was a really positive kid, all things considered. But still...I knew he was starting to get lonely.

One night, about halfway through my first year of middle school, I came home after a long day of soccer practice and my dad was on the couch in the living room drinking whiskey and watching TV.

"Hey, dad?"

"What?"

"I think you should drive Haru home from school when I have soccer practice..."

"Oh yeah? Why's that?" He asked, eyes fixed on the TV.

"He's starting to get lonely...and maybe you could pick me up some days on the way and we could all spend some time as a family again." I said with hope in my voice.

"Oh, you want to spend time as a family, huh?" He asked, finally looking my way with some demonic look filled with sadness and hatred.

"I mean...yeah. But it's fine if you can't...I get it." I said, shrugging it off and starting towards my room. He stood up from the couch and staggered over to me.

"Let's spend some time together then...as a family...heh." He said as he drunkenly lead me down the hallway to his bedroom.

That's where it all started...he coerced me into doing unspeakable things to him time and time again. Hand jobs...blow jobs...french kissing...and anything in between. Eventually he wasn't satisfied with that so he started doing those things to me too. It was the most confusing time of my life.

_Your mother would've wanted it this way since she's not here to satisfy me..._

_This is a son's duty to his father..._

_Plenty of fathers and sons do this when their moms aren't around..._

_Just don't tell anyone or they'll take Haru away from you..._

_I cherish this time we get to spend together, so don't tell anyone else about it..._

_It'll hurt my feelings if you tell anyone else what we do in here..._

Those excuses were enough to keep me quiet when I didn't know any better but then the beatings started. He'd punch and kick me until I was too weak to even think about not cooperating. All I could do was try my best to not let Haru see me in such agony and make sure my dad stayed the hell away from him. But, a part of me was always spinning in an endless loop of questioning: _is he right? Is this ok?_ After all he was my father and I was young and naive. Through it all I knew the beatings were uncalled for...and they hurt like hell. But it was fine for me to take the punishment if it meant Haru could just be a normal kid with a normal life...minus the mom.

Some time after I started fighting back and my dad kept using Haru as his scapegoat.

"Do you want me to bring Haru in here?" He'd threaten until I submitted to him. Once he realized he could use Haru as leverage, he started getting more daring until one night he went past anything he had done before and all my confusion became clear. This was wrong. He ripped my back side apart until he was satisfied, leaving me on the floor to take care of myself and leaving me with one parting promise:

_"If you tell anyone about this, I **will** kill you **and** your little brother."_

This routine went on for at least another year. I got pretty good at hiding the pain though...both emotional and physical. Eventually it was just...normal. I could tell when dad was in a bad mood and I knew what was coming; I accepted my fate. It didn't help that half the time it felt so good that I actually looked forward to it...

Sick, right?

Well, that's puberty for you... Before I knew it I was graduating middle school at 14 and was getting a lot stronger. I thought maybe I could even fight my dad off some day soon if I trained for it. My voice was getting deeper and I was getting taller...maybe I could even score a girlfriend after breaking free from this monster.

During the summer before high school started, I decided I'd try to get my dad to stop; I'd help him break this addiction and finally set us both free. The plan: play sick every time until eventually he'd give up on me and find himself a partner.

Hah.

I knew my dad could get violent but the night I set this plan into motion he crossed a threshold I did not know existed. I ended up in the hospital for 3 days because of the beating I took. Luckily Haru seemed to think I just had the flu and was none the wiser. But, there's one thing he said that I couldn't get my mind off of after that night...

"Haru might be old enough now..." He threatened as he slammed my face into the wall over and over again. I stopped fighting back after he said that but it didn't stop him from beating me to a pulp that night.

I guess he needed to let off some steam.

By the time I recovered from that, things at dad's job had gotten much worse and Haru was about to start 5th grade.

The night that he made me watch while he defiled my younger brother was easily the worst night of my entire life. We came upstairs after I caught Haru rummaging through some boxes in the storage room and my dad grabbed me from the hallway, covering my mouth so I wouldn't alarm my brother. He threw me in his room and threatened:

"You always said you wanted to have some family time, right? It's your lucky night. And if you do anything to mess it up I will kill you right in front of Haru. I'll make sure your blood smears all over his face and then I'll _fuck_ it so he can taste both of us at the same time. Got that?"

My whole body went cold in that moment as he left to retrieve my little brother. It felt like my legs were bolted to the floor as if it was a nightmare. I broke out in a cold sweat and before long Haru was in front of me and I was holding a chloroform cloth up to his mouth to ease his struggle...

That night I wanted to steal him and run as far away as possible. But every time I thought about making a move, I was suffocated by all the memories of times I had tried to rebel against him in the past and the possibility of getting caught and paying the price. I went back to my room and thought:

_"At least it's over now...I'll just help Haru recover from this and we'll find a way out."_

...I seriously underestimated the power of the situation we were in.

Haru came home sick after his second day and was lying in bed when I got home that afternoon.

"Go check on your brother." My dad barked.

I didn't reply, I just turned to go towards his room.

"HEY. I'm talking to you, fuck-face." He said, taking the cigarette out of his mouth long enough to spit his insult.

"Yes, sir." I replied obediently and hurried towards Haru's room. I opened the door and saw him lying on his bed, unconscious, taking in quick, shallow breathes. I closed the door behind me and took Haru in my arms, lifting him off the bed so I could kick the comforter out of the way. I laid him back down, taking his school jacket and pants off and pulling the comforter over to tuck him in. Looking down at him my mind went blank although tears welled up in my eyes. My body acted instinctively and went to the bathroom to grab some pain medication, a cup of water and a box of tissues. I set everything down on his nightstand and tried to think of anything else he might need. I slid my hand over his forehead but he didn't feel too warm so I sat on the floor next to his bed, rested one hand on his arm and laid my head on the bed, praying for sleep.

_"AH-...NH..."_ Haru woke up in a frenzy, reeling in pain. I sprang into action, shaking a couple pills into one hand and slipping my other hand behind his head to offer support. I pushed the pills against his lips but he refused them at first.

"Haru, you need to take these pills for me, alright? They're going to help with the pain."

He glanced at me with one eye through his winced expression and parted his lips, taking the pills into his mouth. I held the cup of water up to his lips until he finished half of it, letting out an exasperated sigh. His whole body was trembling as he struggled to breathe normally.

"Don't think about it..." I advised as I gently ran my fingers through his sweaty hair, sweeping it away from his face.

_"Mm_...it hurts..._"_ He grumbled.

"I know ototo.* Just get some rest."

_(in Japanese: "ototo" is an affectionate nickname for little brother)_

I took care of him for four days while he recovered from that incident. I even had to call our schools to let them know we'd be absent since my dad wasn't bothering to say anything. I bathed him and made sure he ate a couple meals every day. And I stayed by his side even if I knew he might not want me there. I tried to study and keep up with my homework while he was sleeping and finally on Saturday Haru was conscious for most of the day. I took the small TV and game station from my room and set it up in front of his bed so we could play video games together but he didn't seem particularly excited about anything. In fact, he didn't look me in the eyes even once that whole morning.

I made him some chicken noodle soup for dinner and when he was finished, he gently placed his bowl on the nightstand and asked with a shy voice:

"Why did he do it...?"

"..."

At first I didn't know how to respond. I looked down at the floor, trying to somehow avoid the question.

"Why did you help him?" He asked. I looked up at him, shocked at the way he worded his question.

_"Help him? I was just..."_

"Look, Haru...dad's had a really hard time since mom died...and work isn't going so well..."

I watched the gears turning in his head...trying to decide if he could accept that excuse.

"If it helps...I know what you're going through." I pleaded, but he looked up at me with a hidden rage in his eyes.

"Whatever." He spat and rolled over, at which point I became desperate.

"He- ...he's done this to me too...and lots of other things." I explained, as I sat on the floor next to his bed, hanging my head down, fists resting on my thighs. "It started a few years ago, and ever since..." tears began to fall onto my knees. "Ever since...I've been trying my best to make sure he didn't do any of this to you..._sniff_...but now- " I mumbled, wiping my eyes and nose with the sleeve of my hoodie. "I couldn't...even do that!" I yelled, throwing my head into the palms of my hands and sobbing.

"Hey aniki*..."

_(in Japanese: "aniki" is an affectionate nickname for big brother)_

I heaved my head up to look at Haru who was looking at me intently. "Wanna play some more games?"

We played Haru's favorite video game for a few hours after that and even managed to have a few laughs. It was strangely calming...almost like the calm before a storm. In those few hours I made a decision: _I am going to be better. I am going to be brave._

So, on Sunday evening, I tucked Haru in for bed, set out his school clothes for the morning since he was feeling better, and went to my dad's room to try and plead with him to never touch Haru like that again.

I knocked on the large white door and yelled, "can I come in?"

"Sure, why not."

I walked into the room cautiously and closed the door behind me, standing in front of him. He sat on the edge of the bed while I stood there awkwardly, trying to gain my courage. The smell of whiskey stung in my nose.

"Well...what? You got somethin' to say? Say it."

"Um...yeah." I fidgeted where I stood but closed my eyes, took a deep breathe and pleaded my case.

"Please don't touch Haru like that again...I don't think he can take it." I choked off my words and clenched my fists, waiting for the worst to befall me.

"Oh, you think so?" He said as he stood up and grabbed my neck with one hand. I clenched onto his arm, gasping for air.

"Y-...yes..." I coughed out and my dad threw me against the wall, knocking the wind out of me. I didn't protest since I had decided to take the beating either way, but he didn't agree yet. I had to make him agree.

"Pl...ease..." I muttered, slouched on the floor and holding my stomach.

_"UGH- "_ I yelped in pain as he slapped me in the face with all his strength. Then we both heard a faint whimper from outside the door.

"Oh, do we have a visitor?" Dad asked angrily as he swung the door open revealing that Haru had been listening.

"Why don't you join the party, Haru!" He exclaimed as he grabbed the back of his head and forced him to the floor, roughly pulling down his boxers and shoving two fingers inside of him. He rocked his hand back and forth, mixing up his insides with his fingers as his son squirmed like crazy.

"Just stop..." I pleaded.

He forced another finger inside. Haru was writhing on the floor as tears spilled over my eyes and I yelled:

"YOU BASTARD! JUST STOP ALREADY!" Then surprisingly, he stopped only for a moment, turned to me and said, "oh, that's right. You don't want me to touch him like this anymore. Well then how about I watch?"

My heart sank and my eyes stretched wider as I considered what this statement meant.

He ripped his fingers out of my brother, holding up his finger to reveal the muddy stench covering them.

"You're gonna have to do something about _this_ though." He smirked as Haru pulled his boxers up and crawled over to me.

"Come on, Haru." I commanded as I grabbed his arm and lead him into the master bathroom. I fetched the enema kit from under the sink and filled the small bottle with warm water.

"Sit on the toilet and face the wall." I instructed Haru who awkwardly did as he was told.

"I'm going to squirt some water inside you and I need you to trust me...ok?" I said, speaking quieter, "we'll get through this together...I promise...I'm gonna make sure it doesn't hurt as much as it did the last time..."

"Why do we have to do this? Let's just stop..." Haru pleaded as a lump was clearly forming in his throat, "I don't want to do this again..." His voice was trembling in fear as he leaned up against the tank behind the toilet.

"I tried that before...trust me...he's even scarier than he looks...I really don't want to know what he'll do to both of us if we don't do what he says. Now lean over a little bit and try to relax, ok? I'm gonna squirt this stuff in and you need to hold it there for a while. Then let it all out...like you're taking a crap alright?"

"Um...ok..." He agreed hesitantly.

"Are you ready?"

"Not really..."

I pressed one palm against his lower back for comfort and slowly squeezed the bottle, releasing half its contents. He immediately tensed up.

"You _have_ to relax...if you don't it'll just hurt..." I said as I pulled the nozzle out.

"Hold it in." I demanded as he clenched every visible muscle in his body.

"How long?"

"Until it feels like you're insides are going to explode." I mumbled, realizing this prospect was probably terrifying for a 10 year old. We waited about 2 minutes and finally he said:

"I...I can't anymore..."

"Ok, let it out." I said and he did as he was told.

"One more time," I instructed and we went through the process again, emptying the rest of the bottle.

"*Mmph...*is it done?" He asked innocently, as if he had forgotten why we were going through this process. I helped him off the toilet and added:

"Take off your clothes first..."

He looked down at the floor as the reality of our situation returned to him and he sluggishly removed his boxers and t-shirt.

"Okay...let's go..." I opened the door to the bathroom where my dad stood there, towering over us. He was clearly eavesdropping the whole time. He let out an evil and satisfied laugh, jumped onto the bed, sprawled out his legs and put one hand behind his head with the other around his dick, pawing at it gently.

"Stand in front of the bed, let me get a good look at you." He said as his cheeks went rosy.

"Good...now slam his face into the floor."

I hesitated, clenching my fists for a brief moment before turning to do what I was told. I stood behind Haru and grabbed the back of his hair, walking backwards a couple steps and forcing him onto his knees, slamming his face into the floor boards.

"Akk!-" he yelled as his bones crunched against the hard wood.

I waited for my next instruction but my father didn't offer anything else.

"Well? I'm waiting. Go ahead, before I get soft."

I stared at my dad for a second and made a silent promise to myself:

_"I am going to kill you one day..."_

And with that thought in my mind I reached around, enveloping Haru's small erection, trying to milk any moisture out of it but only a drop came out.

"He's too dry...I need lube" I demanded, so my dad went looking in the bathroom.

"Oh, and grab the chloroform too!" I yelled as I knelt down to whisper something to Haru before he returned.

"Haru...I'm way smaller than him so this won't hurt as much, okay? I just need you to relax as much as possible...I know this is messed up but let's just get through it..."

Haru blinked the tears from his eyes, clenched his fists and nodded in agreement as dad came back with the items I requested.

He jumped back onto the bed and I poured a heaping bead of lube onto the tip of my penis, using my free hand to smear it around, the other hand still holding my brother down. I used what little amount of lube remained on my fingers to swirl them around inside of him to help loosen things up for what was about to happen. Luckily he was relaxing like I told him to.

"Good." I whispered and pulled my fingers out slowly, replacing them with the slick tip of my erection resting against Haru's back side. I grabbed the chloroform cloth with the other hand and in one smooth motion I pushed my way inside while pulling his head back and cupping the cloth around his nose and mouth, knowing he'd inhale sharply at the sudden pressure. I pushed into my brother further and further as his body softened with the chemicals permeating throughout his brain, eyes rolling back into his head.

_"Mf!- ...mmm..."_

The harsh sounds he was making before melted into a mixture of pleasure and frustration.

_"Haaa..."_ I exhaled at the feeling of my brother tightening, relaxing and pulsing around me. I let his head fall to the floor, setting the cloth aside and leaning up to rest my hands on his hips.

I slowly pushed into him until he had completely devoured me, the heat pulsing and dancing its way around my entire body. Holding onto his hips, I pressed him against me, holding still in that position for a brief moment and looking up to see my father's evil grin.

"Well...keep going." He demanded.

I slowly rocked my hips back and forth, trying to feel Haru's muscles helping to ease me in and out. I had done this plenty of times with my dad...trying my best to make him feel good to avoid getting beaten half to death. I just had to apply the same principals and get through this. My breathing and heart rate increased steadily with the unwanted pleasure and heat pulsating from my groin and throughout my limbs. The sound of moving in and out of my little brother was sickening and satisfying all at the same time...

"Faster." My father commanded.

"_GAH- hummff"_ Haru cried out as I leaned over and quickly muffled his cries with that forgiving chemical. The pleasure's intensity overtook my mind and body. I had never experienced anything so tight before... I let go of the cloth, letting it rest under Haru's face so he could utilize it if he needed to. Leaning up and grasping onto his hips again for dear life, I began to lose control little by little.

_"Ah-...haa...mnh..."_ I couldn't stop the obscene noises escaping my throat. My mind was drowning itself, obsessing over this hot, silky sensation encompassing my erection. The only shred of humanity I had left was not fucking into my brother any more than I already was.

"Harder." My father commanded, making that decision _for_ me. A bead of sweat rolled into one eye, but I managed to peek up at him through the other one, cursing this disgusting excuse of a man and watching him desperately attempt to get himself off.

My brain was submerged in a thick haze as I thrust into my brother even harder, knowing it would be more uncomfortable for him. I had enough sense to lean over and press the cloth firmly to his mouth again, dulling his cries of pain into weak, blissful moans.

"_Nh..._H-Haru...Haru..." I whispered uncontrollably, trying to choke it back so as not to make this experience even more traumatizing for him. With the exhaustion catching up with me, I slowed my pace.

"KEEP. GOING." My father demanded, so I pounded into him once again. Through my labored breathing and tears I could see him...stroking his red, swollen dick like he was watching a porno.

"And don't you dare fucking pull out, you son of a bitch!" He threatened. I barely even heard this as I grabbed onto Haru's erection, milking it into a heady climax.

"Haru...HARU...AH!-" I cried out as I gushed a thick, hot liquid into him.

"Mmm..._UHN-"_ Haru moaned with the warmth filling him up.

_"huff...huff..."_ Out of breath, I rested my sweaty forehead against his back.

_"This is so sick..."_ I thought to myself...sobbing into his skin and suddenly aware of the mess he just released into my hand.

"_sniff_\- I'm pulling out now." I whispered as Haru dug his nails into the floor, expelling all kinds of juices simultaneously.

He bit his lip and I could tell he was trying not to listen as everything left his body in a disgusting slew of sound effects.

"KEEP GOING!!!" My dad screamed since clearly he hadn't finished himself off yet.

"No...that's enough." I stood my ground as I listened to Haru whimpering on the floor beneath me; I would've rather died than continue. I kept a hand on his back hoping to comfort him.

"Then give him to me. I'LL DO IT MYSELF!" He screamed and pushed me out of the way, hoisting Haru up onto the bed.

"NO!" Haru screamed and used what little strength he had left to try and fight back.

"I did what you said! You don't need him, right? You have me! JUST USE ME!" I pleaded, forcing myself in between them so he couldn't touch my brother.

My dad was livid and incredibly frustrated at this point...not that it was any excuse. He grabbed Haru and stomped over to his room where he threw him on the bed and slammed the door.

When he returned to his bedroom I was standing there...waiting...accepting what was about to happen. It wasn't a surprise...but that didn't make it okay. He raped me harder than ever before...humiliated me more than ever before...by the end I was utterly broken.

After he was done with me, I dragged my ragged body to Haru's room and curled up on the bed next to him...longing for a quiet death that never came.

Haru's alarm went off the next morning and I helped him shower and get ready for school. He seemed more calm around me despite what I had been forced to do the night before. As young as he was, I think he started to realize what was going on. Since I was used to powering through the pain, I took some pills and carried him all the way to school on my back even though I wanted to cry out from my own pain so many times. When we finally arrived I set him down and knelt down so we were face to face.

"Are you going to be okay today?" I asked him, sweeping his bangs to the side, a light dusting of tears washing over his eyes as he looked to the ground.

"I don't know..." He mumbled.

"Are you feeling any pain?" I asked gently. His response was quiet and careful:

"A little bit..."

"Well, here's what you can do to help." I told him as his looked up at me with hopeful eyes.

"Tell your teacher you need to stand up in the back of class today because you were jumping on your friend's trampoline this weekend and landed on your tailbone really hard so it's pretty sore. Got all that?"

"Yeah I think so..."

"Repeat it back to me."

"I was jumping on my friend's trampoline this weekend and landed on my tailbone really hard so it's really sore." He recited.

"Good. I'll come by after school to pick you up, so wait for me okay?"

"Okay..." He said, staring at the ground again.

"Hey, Haru?"

"Hm?"

"I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 preview:
> 
> " 'Haru' "
> 
> POV: Haru Takuya


	4. "Haru"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Ch. 3:
> 
> Ren's perspective of Haru's first week of 5th grade and some backstory as to how his father started molesting him from an early age: at first he was less violent, using methods of coercion and gaslighting (Google it). We learn his father's physical violence came about a year later, then rape a year later still, often threatening to involve Haru if he didn't comply.
> 
> Ren takes care of Haru and has a sort of heart-to-heart with him. That night, Ren tries to reason with his dad but ends up being forced to rape his own brother while his dad watches them and masturbates. Ren and Haru both climax but their father does not, so he tries to rape Haru but Ren intervenes, receiving the punishment instead.
> 
> Note: their father has always uses a cloth doused with a diluted Chloroform solution in rape scenarios because, contrary to what you see on TV, it does not instantly knock a person out - it just makes them dazed and numbs the central nervous system (Google it). It also loses effectiveness when exposed to air, so in Ch. 3 when Ren leaves it on the floor under Haru's face so he can inhale it and dull the pain...unfortunately the chemical had already lost its effectiveness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch. 4 POV: Haru Takuya

_"AGH-"_ My dad threw me onto my bed and threatened, "DON'T COME OUT OF THIS ROOM OR I'LL KILL YOU!" And with that he stormed out, slamming the door behind him. Every inch of my skin writhed in fear and confusion.

_"I need to pee...am I not allowed to do that either?"_ Just then my train of thought shifted like a boat swaying back and forth.

_"My brother? My brother...he just...hurt me...right?"_ I curled up on my bed, dizzy from my thoughts spinning out of control.

_"But his fingers felt really good..."_ The moment when he pushed inside of me flashed in front of my eyes.

_"It hurt...even though he wasn't as big as dad...I don't get it...why didn't they just stop if they knew it was hurting me? Maybe they didn't know...have I told them yet? Maybe this really **is** what families do...but I can't handle it yet...I should be able to help them but I can't...maybe that's why dad keeps getting so mad...what's wrong with me?"_ I shut my eyes tightly, trying to focus on the blackness in front of my eyes and pushing away the images that kept leaking in.

My thoughts were interrupted by a sudden choked-off cry coming from down the hallway.

_"AAH-"_ It sounded like Ren.

_"ngh... ngh... ngh... ugh- "_ The steady rhythm of my big brother's agony echoed down the hallway, infecting my imagination.

_"Please... ngh... ngh..._ stop... _AH-!"_ Within seconds my eyes were swimming in wet, warm tears, soaking into my pillowcase and dampening the side of my face.

_"Ple-HAA... ah... NGH... ngh... ahh... hic..._ no..." I clamped my hands over my ears, trying to stuff my comforter inside of them to suppress the sounds coming from my dad's bedroom. These weren't expressions of pleasure...they resonated with fear and suffering. The rhythm became faster and more harsh...as if he was sobbing and screaming all at once.

_"AH..AH..ha..ah..NGH..NGH..NO..ngh..ngh..huf..AH!-"_ Every cry was accompanied by a familiar slapping noise. I wanted to run in and save my brother who was obviously being hurt badly, but I remembered my dad's death threat.

"YES! OH GOD, YES! REN! _-mmm-_ STAY RIGHT THERE, DON'T YOU FUCKING MOVE! ... -AHHH!"

_"HA-A-A-A!"_ The rhythm became rushed and persistent, my brother screaming as the slapping got louder. They cried out at the same time with an intensity that shook my entire body. Then everything became quiet with only the faint whimper of Ren in the distance, whining softly like a dog with each exhale.

_"unh... ...hmm... ...nnh... ...unh..."_ Just when I thought this nightmare would finally end, my dad started beating him. His punches and kicks cracked down the hallway, penetrating my innocent ears until my fragile mind couldn't bear to pay attention any longer. I fell into an uncomfortable sleep, unsure of how long that went on for. I woke up briefly in the middle of the night to see my brother lying next to me...bleeding into the sheets.

Ren helped me get ready for school the next day even though his own wounds should've been entirely debilitating.

_"How does he seem okay? It didn't sound like he was going to be okay..."_ I thought as he carried me on his back towards the school. He gave me some advice before sending me into my class for the day: "tell your teacher you need to stand up in the back of class today because you were jumping on your friend's trampoline this weekend and landed on your tailbone really hard..."

So, I walked into Ms. Mizuki's class that morning, ready to offer my excuse.

"Hey...um...Ms. Mizuki...can I stand at the back of the classroom today?"

"Why's that?" She asked as I looked up at her suspicious expression.

_"Does she know?"_ I thought.

_"No, just tell her what Ren said..."_

"Well, I was jumping on my friend's trampoline this weekend and I landed on my tailbone really hard so it's pretty sore."

"Ok then. You may stand at the back of the classroom today but please don't distract the other students and make sure to do your work."

"Thanks..." I said and internally sighed with relief, making my way to the back of the classroom and setting my books on the workbench against the back wall. Since I arrived early again, I stood there awkwardly, holding my notebook and pencil so I could take notes. Ms. Mizuki kept grading her stack of papers, looking up at me occasionally. She looked sad for some reason...I figured maybe she wasn't feeling well.

Since I took some pain medicine and hadn't done much walking that morning my back side wasn't hurting too much, but the longer I stood there the more it started to throb. I kept having the urge to go to the bathroom but had I knew that wasn't the case. At some point my eyelids started to feel heavy and sluggish...I could barely keep them open.

"Takuya-san." The teacher called out, sounding like she was saying it from inside a fish tank.

"Do you know the answer?" She asked even though she probably knew I wouldn't be able to offer anything valuable. Just then I realized my head had drooped forward and I was barely holding onto my notebook. I perked up right away to try and recall what she asked.

"Um..." I looked around the room as everyone stared back at me like I did something wrong. I tried desperately to remember but couldn't think of anything to say.

"No...sorry...what was the question?" I asked shamefully.

"Nevermind. Yuki, what about you?" She called on someone else, thankfully. A few hours went by and the bell rang for lunch, so everyone left the room. I had forgotten to pack something that morning...

My body fell backwards a couple of inches into the cabinet I was standing in front of and I slid down to the floor, lightheaded in my starvation.

"Ow-!" My back side stung at the impact so I leaned over and curled up onto the floor, resting my head on my notebook and wedging one arm in between my thighs to relieve the pressure in my groin. It didn't help a lot but I saw my brother doing it the night before as he slept next to me.

_"Takuya-san...Takuya?"_ I heard a distant voice call out to me and suddenly felt a warm hand on my shoulder. It was so comforting...I wanted it to last a bit longer.

"Haru." The voice shouted sternly and my eyes popped open to see Ms. Mizuki, shaking me awake.

"Takuya-san...did you stay here during lunch?" She asked, eyebrows furrowed with concern.

"Mhm..." I nodded through my sleepiness. No one else had returned from their lunch break yet.

"Did you bring anything to eat?"

"M-mm" I shook my head and she sighed at my response.

"Why don't you go down to the lunch room and grab something before the break is over?"

_"It hurts too bad to walk and I don't have any money"_ is what I wanted to say...

"I'm not hungry."

The lie spilled out of my mouth as quickly as my stomach growled with a vengeance, giving me away.

"I'll be right back, okay? Stay right here." She instructed as the warmth of her hand abandoned me. I watched her walk away, thinking to myself:

_"I liked it...when she called me Haru_..."*

_(in Japanese: teachers use last names to refer to students, often followed by "-san." Saying a last name without the ending means the two people are likely friends. Using someone's first name is typically reserved for extremely close friends, family, partners or when you're trying to get someone's attention - similar to an American mom using her child's middle name when they're in trouble.)_

Ms. Mizuki returned shortly after and only a few students had come back to the classroom.

"Here, eat this quickly." She said as she set a Tupperware container and spoon in front of me. It was a warm cup of beef stew with a bag of chips. Returning to her desk, she addressed the other students as they came back. Each person looked at me with a different expression as they walked in, but I didn't care because the taste of the stew was so delightful it was the best thing that happened to me since the summer. It tasted like love itself.

_"Did she make this?"_ I wondered.

_"DING DONG"_

The bell rang to signify the day was over and I slowly packed up my bag, purposely waiting for the other kids to clear out. I swung my bag over my shoulder and picked up the container from lunch, walking it up to Ms. Mizuki's desk.

"Where did you get this stew? It was so good!" I told her, feeling a bit rejuvenated. She smiled and tilted her head to the side with confidence.

"I made it myself."

"So did you have some for lunch too?"

"Not today...I wanted to give it to you instead" She said, her smile unwavering. My heart sank at the thought that she didn't get to eat any of it.

"Wait so...you didn't eat lunch then?"

"Oh, don't worry about me!" She said, placing her hand on her stomach. "I had a HUGE breakfast. Eggs, bacon, toast, orange juice and a pancake! Honestly I'm still not very hungry!" Just as a nervous laugh escaped her lips, her stomach betrayed her the same way mine did: gurgling wildly. The sweetness in her smile melted away as she divulged the truth.

"It's okay. Really." Her face became soft, "may I touch your hand?"

No one had ever asked permission to touch me before...I wasn't sure how to respond but I knew I wouldn't be bothered if it was her, thinking back to her hand on my shoulder.

"Sure..." I accepted as she gently took my hand and sandwiched it between hers. She leaned over her desk, looking at me intently.

"You looked like you didn't feel well, and you know something? Beef stew cures an injury faster than you can imagine. And _that's_ not a lie." She nodded, gazing into my eyes playfully but I still wasn't convinced. I felt guilty after knowing she gave up her lunch for me, if not a little embarrassed that she cared enough to come over to me during lunch at all.

"Okay...I believe you."

"Good." She said, letting go of my hand, "You'd better get home! And don't forget to change out of your shoes."

"Okay."

I hurried to my locker, excited at the thought of Ren walking me home even though I had to wait for him. Watching the other kids go by with their friends I noticed Gorou in the crowd. He was walking towards me at an angle with his friends but didn't seem to notice me...

My body went numb with a sudden loneliness that had been creeping up on me for the past week.

"Haru!" My brother yelled from across the plaza outside of school. He looked tired...like he was forcing a smile through all his pain.

"Hey aniki..."

I studied his face as he looked down at me with exhausted, dead eyes.

"Ready to go?" He asked.

"Yeah, but...aren't you a bit early?"

"Oh, I didn't go to school today."

_"I wonder if it hurts for him as much as it did for me..."_

"But don't worry about me. I'll be fine, I promise." He reassured me, plastering a smile on his pale face and kneeling down, gesturing for me to get on his back.

"Well?"

I climbed onto his back reluctantly since I knew he probably didn't really want to carry me all the way home.

The weather was so pleasant on our walk home: warm and sunny but not too hot and with a light breeze. We didn't talk much but somehow being close to him felt comforting and a bit scary at the same time. As if just being around him might cause me harm.

Suddenly he collapsed onto one knee, tightening his grip on my legs to keep me upright.

_"Ngh-"_ He grimaced at the pain. I jumped off his back as he fell to the other knee, throwing his palms against the ground and hanging his head between his shoulders.

"REN! Are you okay?!"

His hands trembled as air unevenly heaved in and out of his lungs with a hoarse undertone.

_"Haa... huff_... sorry Haru... _mmf_... are you able to walk from here...?" He asked, looking up at me with sagging eyes as his arms shook beneath his shoulders and sweat trickled down the side of his face.

"Um...yeah I think so. But are you gonna be ok?"

_"Hngh-_... yeah..." He eased one knee forward, setting his hand on it and pushing himself up slowly with a hefty grunt, sweat dripping onto the ground. With one hand holding mine and the other cradling his stomach, he could no longer muster up a smile but said these words anyways:

"Everything's fine now. Let's go home."

_Home..."_ I thought to myself and decided I should think out loud instead.

"Do we _have_ to go home? Can't we just go somewhere else and stay there for a while?"

Ren stopped dead in his tracks and looked away from me. He spoke quieter than before, "you think I haven't thought about that...?"

I wanted to cry.

Like a statue with hair flowing in the wind, he said, "Listen Haru...we don't have any other relatives around here, and we don't have any money. I'm not old enough to work yet either so...basically..." He paused.

"...basically what?"

"We're fucked, okay? We're basically...completely...fucked!"

He wiped the tear that spilled over onto his cheek and knelt down to speak to me face-to-face.

"I'm sorry, but that's the truth. Do you understand?" He looked kinder this time around, his eyebrows turned up and his throat tight from the lump he was trying to swallow.

"I think so..."

"Good. I promise as soon as I can think of a plan or start working somewhere to save some money I'll get us away from him..." He lunged towards me, stealing me into his embrace and letting the rest of his tears boil over.

"After that... _hic... _he'll never touch you again... _sniff_... no one will force me to touch you either... _hic... _no one will ever touch you unless you want them to!" He was practically yelling as he sobbed uncontrollably into my shoulder, squeezing my arms into me. The noise from his raspy voice and gasps of air began to fade from my ears as the gears in my head turned. I reached up, placed my hands on his sides and gently pushed him off of me, looking him square in the eyes.

"You said _'after that' _... Does that mean...it's going to happen again...?"

Ren stopped crying suddenly. He stared at me for a moment until his face went green and he inhaled sharply, grasping his mouth with one hand.

_"BLERGH-!"_ He turned to the side and threw up in the bush next to us. My whole body felt like it had turned to stone.

_"Please just say it won't happen again..."_ I thought. Ren wiped his mouth with his sleeve and wobbled over to me, grabbing my hand and staggering up to his feet.

"Probably..."

The rest of our walk was silent. My face kept twitching and fidgeting like I lost control of every muscle. My chin and eyebrows were especially frantic as a few small tears fought to escape my eyes. Gradually, my crying got more intense until we came to the sidewalk in front of our house and Ren leaned down again to speak with me at my level. He took my school jacket off of me and used the sleeve to wipe my tears.

"It's time to stop crying now, okay?"

_"sniff-_...mhm..." I nodded and tried to swallow what tears I had left.

"Just don't do anything to piss him off." Ren warned, avoiding eye contact with a cold, dead expression.

Both my dad and Ren avoided me for a few days after that. Ren missed a couple more days of school so his bruises could heal before having to show his face. He'd go straight to his room after school and I would sit on a pillow at the kitchen table getting caught up on all the homework I missed while I was gone the previous week.

My back side started to feel good enough that I thought about trying to sit in my chair even though Ms. Mizuki had been letting me stand at the back of the classroom all week.

I actually felt pretty good, all things considered. My dad still got drunk every night but wasn't hurting us, plus Ren and I were healing pretty well.

Thursday night I finished my homework, starving from only having a bag of crackers for lunch and some grapes that Ms. Mizuki shared with me. So, I went to the cupboard to look for some cup ramen but the box was empty.

"Hey...aniki." I said, knocking on Ren's door and speaking quietly into it so as not to disturb our dad.

"What are we having for dinner?" I asked but didn't hear any response so I opened the door to find my brother lying face down on the floor with a half empty bottle of dad's whiskey in his hand. He looked unconscious.

"Ren! Are you okay!?" I ran over to him and placed my hands on his back, trying to shake him awake.

"REN! Wake up!"

_"Unnnnh-"_ He groaned and slowly lifted his head to look at me.

"Oh...you...good...c'mere..." He said, peeling himself off the floor in a drunken stupor.

"Ow- you're hurting me..." I told him as he grabbed my wrist and squeezed it tightly, staggering over to his open closet. His breath was heavy and had a strong sour smell to it.

"Get down...I'm horny." He said and pushed me to the ground. I tried grabbing onto some clothes to break my fall but couldn't grip anything well enough.

"Ren...stop...please. I don't want this..." I pleaded as he began taking my clothes off.

_"Why is this happening...?"_ I thought. My brother looked so destroyed...the sadness in his eyes was overwhelming mixed with the headiness of some powerful, hidden lust.

_"Am I supposed to just let him do this? He did try and make it better for me last time..."_

_"unm-" _Suddenly his lips were pressed against mine but I clenched my mouth shut, trying to hide my lips from his. He took my chin between his thumb and forefinger, easing up for a moment.

"Aww, come on...let me in..._hic-_ it's okay...I'll take care o'you...promise..." he muttered, forcing my mouth open and sliding his alcohol soaked tongue past mine. It was warm...and wet... It tasted awful.

_"Is that what this feeling is?"_ I wondered, noticing my shorts getting tighter as my penis swelled inside of them.

_"M-mmmm..."_ He moaned into my mouth, sucking at my tongue and lips, stroking my penis over my shorts.

_"Haa..."_ I let out a sigh of my own, accepting the situation for what it was. Not knowing if it was right or wrong...since he wasn't causing me any pain.

Yet.

"You're so...pretty..." He mumbled.

_"Pretty?"_ I thought, _"Why would he say that? I'm a boy..."_

I let him undress me as I watched his expression go from pained to excited. Out of my desire to make my big brother happy I let him touch me in ways no one ever had before. It was like he said...he was taking care of me...making me feel really good.

"Turn over..." He instructed, so I got on my hands and knees, naked at the bottom of his closet.

"Head to the floor..." He said. I obliged and rested my head on the dirty carpet, shoving the pile of old shoes to the side to make room for my arms beside me.

_"huff_... aniki..." The words spilled out of my mouth before I could stop them. I wanted it. I wanted to be invaded for some reason.

_"Horny..."_ This word he said earlier spun around in my head in my dazed confusion.

_"This is what it's like...to be horny...it's nice..."_ I thought.

Just then my brother grasped onto my hips like before, caressing the under side of them where my legs and hips came to a crease, his fingers playing dangerously close to my penis. I felt a sudden wetness against my back side...it was his tongue. Ren was lapping at me with his tongue, swirling it around and leaving a smattering of spit so he could easily slide 1 finger in.

_"Hmm...ah..."_ I let go of my reactions, letting them embody a mind of their own. I had accepted this situation...dismissing the possibility of danger.

"That's it...take it..." Ren said with a rough and deep voice...almost sounding like my father. He inserted another finger, swirling them around my prostate.

_"AH!-"_ I yelled as an intense heat shot down through my groin like a red-hot dagger.

"Oh god...I need you..." Ren moaned out as the stench of his breath and something vaguely fecal filled the small closet.

"I need...to be inside you..._hic_" He mumbled, hiccuping his words back at the end.

_"AHN!-N-N-N-"_ Any pleasure I felt was stolen away by my back side being acutely ripped open once again. Without warning, he forced himself inside me and thrust into me at a raging tempo that propelled tears from my eyes almost instantly. He fucked into me as hard and fast as possible, gripping my hips so tightly it hurt.

_"HAA-A-A-A-A-"_ My face was quickly being smooshed against the back wall of the closet. I found a black dress shoe right next to me and held onto it for dear life, praying for this to end. There was no merciful chemical to alleviate the pain this time. Just my brother...slamming into me over and over...balls mushing against mine over and over, hips slapping against me in a frenzy. It felt like his penis was pressing all the way up through my chest with every thrust. I wanted to throw up.

Numb. It got numb after a while. Both of our moaning eased into the rugged sound of both our heavy breathing. But, he never slowed his tempo.

_"huff-hu-hu-hu-hu"_ I hardly had a voice to cry out anymore as his rhythm became unsteady as if he were losing control.

_"HAA-...HUF...HUF-HUF..."_ It sounded like he was holding his breath and then instantly my entire body filled with a fuzzy and familiar warmth. Heated, heavy liquid pulsed out of his erection, planting itself deep inside me like a warm blanket.

I held my breath as I relished in this feeling for a moment, muscles abandoning me completely as if I were a piece of meat skewered on a bamboo stick; he was the only thing holding me up at that point and even _he_ was losing strength now that he finally finished.

I shoved my face into the dress shoe I had been holding onto and screamed into it as Ren tore himself out of me and fell backwards. My hips fell to the floor as my breathing slowed to the point that I had to consciously think, _"inhale...exhale..."_ Willing my body to do what it needed in order to survive.

It happened again. The pain was unbearable. I couldn't decide if it hurt worse than the first time my dad infiltrated me that way but this time was certainly the most aggressive and lasted longer than the other times.

_"At least he didn't beat me up..."_ I thought to myself, sweating on the floor of his closet and trying desperately to find some kind of silver lining.

_"hic...HIC...AAHHHH!!!"_ Ren screamed through the sobbing that began to overwhelm him...as if he transformed into a different person all the sudden.

The pain I felt that night was so intense...the liquid oozing out of my back side stung as it infected the wound my brother left. My body shook so much I felt like every muscle was betraying me and acting on its own. I started hyperventilating and soon after, passed out on the floor of his closet.

When I woke up I was still there, clutching onto the stray dress shoe on the floor. My vision was blurry but I could at least tell the sun was up. I heard the distant sounds of Ren throwing up in the bathroom down the hall.

_"__What happened last night...? Why am I in Ren's closet...?"_ I thought...unable to recall the exact events of the night before.

All I could remember was my face getting pressed up against this wall and my back side hurt just as much as it did the first time my dad attacked me. I peeled myself off the floor and limped towards the bathroom. It felt like all my thoughts had been stolen away from me, leaving a gaping hole that I couldn't place.

Ren heaved himself out of the bathroom right as I came up to the door. He looked at me with an expression I didn't recognize.

_"Why does he look so miserable?"_

He inched past me and went towards the kitchen to get some tap water. I closed the bathroom door behind me and eased myself onto the toilet, kneeling over my knees and wrapping my arms in front of my stomach. My insides churned fiercely but there seemed to be no relief for the pressure and sting reverberating throughout my body. I cried softly to myself as the pain blossomed.

When I finally looked up to grab some toilet paper I noticed the medication sitting on the counter and quickly downed 2 of them to help relieve this torture. I wanted to be able to go to school...at least there I could be sure nothing bad was going to happen to me.

I walked to school alone, emotionally barren, but not knowing why. For some reason I wasn't questioning this loss of memory. Instead I coasted through my morning lifelessly, changing into my school shoes and hanging onto the wall on my way to class. Each step was slow and controlled just like my breathing as I tried to manage the leftover soreness. I wobbled past Ms. Mizuki without saying anything and headed towards the back of the classroom like a zombie swaying towards its prey. I'm not sure if Ms. Mizuki tried to say anything to me since all I could hear was a faint humming noise. I collapsed in my designated spot, foregoing my original plan to try and sit in my chair that day. I laid on my side, letting my bag fall on top of me as I toppled over. The carpet was fluffy and clean...it felt nice...I nuzzled into it praying for sleep to grace me.

As my classmates filed in and sat in their chairs I could feel the confusion rolling off of them.

"Good morning, everyone. Takuya-san isn't feeling well today so he's going to lie down in the back of the class again. Please be respectful of him if he needs to rest at any point."

_"How does she know I'm not feeling well...I don't remember telling her anything..."_

I continued to drift in and out without ever being able to sleep and then everything hit me like a freight train. I remembered all of it at once. My body reacted to the devastation in a blood curdling scream that I quickly muffled with my hands, forehead pushed against the floor.

Ms. Mizuki ran over to me with a box of tissues to wipe the tears spilling from my eyes.

"Takuya, are you okay? Do you need to go to the nurse?"

"No..."

"Are you hurt?"

"I..." I was frozen there, unable to comprehend the images spilling into my brain. I weaved my fingers into my hair, latching onto it and trying to stop the world around me from spinning so wildly.

"No...just a nightmare..." I muttered.

She took my hand and placed it against her chest.

"Can you feel my chest rising and falling?" Barely hearing her question, I nodded.

"Focus on that. Try to breathe together with me." She was kneeling over and speaking quietly so as not to alarm the rest of the class. Slowly my conscious was pulled back to reality...this reality that my teacher was the one solely responsible for instilling such calm every time she touched me. I matched my breathing with hers and closed my eyes as the panic was steadily sucked from my body. Before long I was so sleepy that I dozed off with her warm hand on mine, pressed against her chest.

_"_ _Takuya-san...Takuya..."_

_"__Haru!"_ My eyes fluttered open to Ms. Mizuki calling out to me. Everyone else had left already.

"It's time to go home, Takuya."

I inhaled slowly, accepting the throbbing in my back side as normalcy. It felt like my blood had all turned into syrup and I struggled to keep my eyes open.

"_mm_... It was nice..." I mumbled, letting my eyelids sink, my head still resting on the bare floor.

"What was nice?" She asked, leaning in closer.

"You called me Haru again..."

"...it was nice..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5 preview:
> 
> "Attention"
> 
> POV: Aki Mizuki


	5. Attention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Ch. 4:
> 
> Right after Haru's dad forces Ren to rape him, he brutally rapes Ren and Haru is forced to listen to this from down the hallway. His internal struggle is worsening as he tries to reason through what just happened and how it was different than the first time his dad violated him. Haru returns to school the next day and Ms. Mizuki offers her lunch to him. He walks home with Ren that day, who is also struggling physically and mentally. 
> 
> Ms. Mizuki continues to help Haru in small ways and show kindness. However, that same week Ren gets pitifully drunk and rapes Haru in his drunken stupor. Haru actually can't recall this event until early the next morning when the memory returns to him in the middle of class and he has a panic attack. Ms. Mizuki helps him calm down.
> 
> She calls out to him twice throughout the coarse of the chapter using his first name to try and get his attention. He latches onto this and expresses how he likes when she calls him by his first name (even though teachers and students are not usually on first-name terms with each other).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch. 5 POV: Aki Mizuki

_I don't know for sure._

_And I don't have any proof..._

_But I'm pretty sure._

"Can I stand at the back of the classroom today?"

The fact that he asked me that question made my stomach turn and made me happy at the same time. The question itself mixed with the bruises and him collapsing in pain from sitting all but confirmed it in my mind.

There was still a chance I was wrong but I couldn't ignore the possibility that I might be right.

Takuya stood in the back of the class that day...if you could call it standing. It looked as though his body was struggling just to hold itself up. As we worked in different subjects he held a notebook open in one arm and wrote with the other...when he wasn't dozing off.

_"I have to be a teacher too...I can't make exceptions just for one student." _ I thought as we started on geography.

"What are the names of the two largest mountain ranges in southern Japan?" I purposely asked a hard question so no one would volunteer their answer.

"Takuya-san?" I called, clearly pulling him out of some kind of trance.

"Do you know the answer?"

"Um...no...sorry. What was the question?"

_"Unacceptable"_ Is what I would normally think in this scenario but in this case my heart was punctured with sadness.

"Nevermind," I said purposely being stern so the rest of the class would know it's not acceptable to not pay attention.

"Yuki, what about you?"

"Um...the Hida and Akaishi Mountains?" She guessed.

"Yes! That's correct. If you knew the answer then why didn't you raise your hand?"

"I don't know..." she fidgeted, "I just wasn't sure..."

"Nonsense. You should guess even if you're not 100% sure. Be confident!"

"Okay!" She said with a smile.

I went to the teacher's lounge later that day for lunch but got distracted speaking with another teacher.

"Ugh!" Mrs. Suzume sighed, "I don't understand how parents can be so negligent! I mean, it's simple: just make sure your kid gets their homework done!"

Even though I was much younger and more inexperienced than her, Suzume confided in me a lot and often times I did the same with her.

"Tell me about it..." I agreed, "are you going to call them out on it? Maybe there's something going on at home."

"Well, we're doing home visits in a few weeks so I plan on addressing it then if it doesn't improve." She reasoned.

"Oh, I almost forgot that was coming up..." I said, contemplating what I might find at Takuya's home. It could be my chance to expose what was happening...if it was happening.

"What's wrong?" Suzume asked.

"Oh nothing...it's just...I have a kid in my class who either keeps getting into clumsy accidents...or he's being abused."

"Seriously? Have you seen any weird bruises?"

"Yeah...around his wrists the first week of class and he even fell out of his chair and passed out one day. Then he was gone the rest of the week and today he seems so...out of it. He said he needed to stand at the back of the classroom because he hurt his tailbone on the trampoline this weekend but he just looks exhausted...he even lied on the floor halfway through the morning and it looked like he was sleeping but I couldn't bring myself to discipline him for it."

"Well that's not good. You need to be more strict with him. I mean, is he doing his work at least?" She asked.

"He turned in all of last week's homework this morning and so far the scores are fairly decent..."

"Then I'm sure it's nothing. He's probably just making up excuses to slack off. You should probably make him sit in his chair and pay attention just like everyone else." She sternly suggested.

"Yeah...I guess so." I said, but that's not what I believed in my heart. The image of him convulsing on the floor last week rapidly flashed in front of me.

_"I don't think he was faking that..."_ I thought to myself.

Mrs. Suzume and I talked for a few more minutes and before I knew it there wasn't enough time to eat my lunch so I decided to go back to my room and grade papers in the remaining few minutes.

Upon returning, Takuya was still lying on the floor.

_"You need to be more strict with him."_ Suzume's words echoed in my head. So, I decided to go over and try to wake him up before class resumed. I placed a hand on his shoulder and tried shaking him awake but it wasn't working, so finally I called out to him but that wasn't working either. I raised my voice and used his first name: "Haru!"

_"Has he been lying here this whole time?"_ I wondered, as his eyes popped open.

"Takuya-san...did you stay here during lunch?"

"Mhm..." he grumbled.

"Did you bring anything to eat?"

He shook his head 'no.'

"Why don't you go down to the lunch room and grab something before the break is over?"

"I'm not hungry." Liar. His stomach gurgled viciously.

"I'll be right back, okay? Stay right here." My body reacted on its own as I briskly made my way back to the teacher's lounge which housed the lunch I had brought with me earlier. Since I didn't have time to eat it I thought giving it to him would be the best thing to do.

_"Doesn't his dad pack his lunches? I wonder why he wouldn't send him to school with a few bucks for emergencies..."_ My heart sank once more. I knew the answer to those questions regardless of Suzume's denial, I just wasn't ready to face it yet. All I wanted to do was help; to focus on making things better in that exact moment.

I heated up the container of beef stew and grabbed the bag of chips from my purse, heading back to the classroom. Half the students had returned from their break already so I hurried over to Takuya, placing the food in front of him, and hoping he could fight through the drowsiness enough to eat something.

"Here, eat this quickly."

I went back to my desk and greeted the class as I watched him scarf down the homemade food.

At the end of the day he brought the empty bowl up to my desk and thanked me. He seemed surprised that I gave up my lunch for him, but it felt great to offer something that would make him feel comfortable. I was so glad to know that it worked; some of the light finally returned to his eyes.

After he left the classroom I went over to my window looking out at the school's entrance. I saw Takuya leaving with a boy who looked to be 13 or 14; probably his older brother. I couldn't see much from that distance but they seemed happy.

The rest of the week continued in a similar fashion: Takuya would weakly saunter over to his spot at the back of the class and stand there, quietly taking notes as the class continued on. I'd call on him occasionally and he was alert enough to answer my questions correctly. He even brought his lunches which made me more hopeful for his situation...like maybe whatever was going on had finally been resolved.

I thought he might have some friends he'd want to eat lunch with but Tuesday's break began and he didn't want to leave the classroom. He stood there munching on the sandwich he brought and slid onto the floor after a few minutes went by.

_"Is it really okay for me to let him do this?"_ I wondered.

"_If the principal sees this he might suspend me but I didn't care. If my priority as a teacher is to have the kids' best interest at heart then I'm sure this is the right thing to do..."_

It was quiet in my classroom as Takuya swirled his fingers in the carpet during lunch. I decided since I wasn't doing much that I'd try talking to him. So, I sat on the floor next to him after he was done eating his sandwich.

_"Shoot...I didn't think of anything to say..."_ I thought as I sat in front of him, his eyes widening with curiosity.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" I asked.

"No...go ahead."

"Cool. So...what was on your sandwich? It smelled good."

"Just bologna, cheese and mustard."

"Oh, really? That sounds boring." I said with a chuckle.

"Nah, that's the way I like my bologna sandwiches! Besides, my big brother made it for me so it was delicious." He spoke to me from the floor where he was lying down like the day before, his head resting on the bare carpet.

"I think I saw your brother pick you up from school yesterday, right?"

"Yeah...we walked home together." His expression seemed lonely when he said that...but I was confused. He was speaking so lovingly of his brother just a second ago.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Huh?...Nothing. Why?"

"Oh...I don't know...you looked sad for a second." I wanted to quickly change the subject so he didn't feel pressured...but I didn't think I should close that door just yet.

"Did something happen?" I asked carefully. Then, he hesitated. It was a split second...but he hesitated.

"N-no...not really."

_"'No, not really' huh?"_ I thought to myself, _"bullshit."_

"Okay, well that's good I guess." I reassured him.

_"Time to change the subject."_

"You like video games, right? Did you see the new Mario game they just released?!" I said, trying not to sound fake.

"Yeah! My brother and I played it this past weekend a bit...it was really fun. You can even make your own levels now! I'm not any good at it though..." He told me; a childlike innocence radiating from him.

"What, seriously?! I used to play Mario when _I_ was a kid...I never thought you'd be able to make your own levels! Maybe I'll go and buy it so I can try to make one...I'll probably be just as bad as you though, haha!" We both laughed together.

That was the first time I saw him laugh like that...and I got to share it with him. My heart was warm.

The next day was much the same except he didn't have to lay down and even studied a bit during his lunch break. I decided not to disturb him or talk to him unless he initiated it first...it always bothered me how other adults would try to push their beliefs and opinions onto such impressionable kids.

When Thursday rolled around he started the day lying on the ground and slept for most of the day, but seemed fairly content. At the beginning of the lunch break I approached him and asked: "did you bring anything to eat today?" He was looking more pale than usual.

"Yeah but...I feel kinda sick..." He said, placing his hand over his mouth.

"May I touch your forehead?" I asked.

"Mhm..." he said, trembling. I placed my hand on his forehead delicately, trying to gauge the temperature but it didn't feel too hot.

"You don't have a fever. Do you feel like throwing up?" I said, brushing the cold sweat from his forehead.

_"Mmf..._kind of..." He mumbled into his hand, eyebrows shaking and eyes shut tightly.

"Let's get you to the nurse's office then." I suggested.

"No..._hmf..._it'll pass...besides...I don't want to go there..."

_"Why does this kid never want to go to the nurse? Does he not like her? Maybe he knows her...or maybe she's the one abusing him. UGH, this is killing me. Well...if he doesn't want to go to the nurse I guess I'll try and help him where he is."_

"Let me see what you brought for lunch." I said and he passed his lunch box over to me. It was another bologna sandwich with a few Saltine crackers.

"Here, eat these crackers. It should help you feel better. Just eat them slowly, like this." I broke off tiny pieces of the crackers and handed them to him one at a time. The green tinge gradually faded to a pale glow as the crackers offered their relief. After the last cracker was gone, I asked:

"There, how's that?"

"Better..." He said, nuzzling his face into the floor.

"You really like this carpet, huh?" I asked as a slight smile eased onto his face and he inhaled sharply.

"It's just so soft and fluffy...I love it."

"Good. I like it too! It's one of the reasons I wanted this room. All the other ones have these cold tile floors. I think this used to be the play room for the kindergartners but since they're in a different building now I snatched it up before anyone else could get their hands on it!"

"Oh really? I thought they randomly assigned the rooms."

"Usually they do, but I put in a special request!" I boasted, trying to keep him distracted.

"Are you feeling better now?"

"Mhm...how did you know the crackers would help?"

"Just a woman's intuition." I said, smiling down at him, "you know what also helps when you feel like throwing up? Grapes."

I was partially lying since I knew grapes themselves weren't responsible for reducing nausea but I figured, in theory, the small bursts of water and sugar should help.

"But I don't have any grapes..."

"That's ok. I got ya covered!" I reassured him as I went to my desk to retrieve the bag of grapes I brought with me that day.

"Here you go! You can have some of mine." I sat on the floor next to him again and handed him a medium sized red grape, then popped one in my mouth.

_"Last time I gave my food to him I could tell he felt guilty...so maybe eating it together will help."_ I thought. I watched for his tiny adam's apple to curl up and down as he swallowed.

"Here, have another one." I insisted, and kept insisting until all my grapes were gone and the color returned to his face.

"How do you feel now?" I asked. Then he looked up at me with a smile and a light dusting of blush dancing across his cheeks.

_"Yeah...maybe everything's ok. He's just sick."_

That night I went home and it was business as usual: enjoying a glass of wine on my patio on a cool spring evening with a stack of homework to grade.

The sun began to set around 6:15 PM which was just about the time I got through my first glass of wine and the stack of papers I brought outside with me.

"Haaa...." I stretched and yawned deeply, peering into the setting sun off the back of my quaint apartment patio. I was lucky to have a pretty good view. Although, I started to notice something that night: whenever I had a happy thought it was interrupted by these images of Takuya...

It was that cool night, sitting on my patio that I decided I needed to come up with an action plan. I still didn't know for sure whether or not he was being abused, or by who. And I couldn't continue to sway back and forth between believing my gut and betraying it.

_"The next time I see something weird, or if he says or does anything out of turn...I'm going to ask how things are going at home. But I need to be specific...should ask if anything confusing is happening? If he's being abused chances are he's either being threatened or mislead... I'm almost certain he'll deny it but most kids would at least have to think about it for a second or ask what I meant. If he instantly denies it then I'm confident in what my gut is telling me. If he reacts differently...then I'll assume everything's fine unless he tells me otherwise."_

Even this thought left me feeling uneasy. I knew even if he reacted differently there could still be a possibility he was being abused but at that point I would be required to get a social worker involved and investigate...assuming I had ample evidence that might suggest something was going on. Then another thought graced me:

_"What if I can figure out a way for him to tell me...without telling me? Or maybe leave a small hint..."_

Suddenly I remembered a diagram they taught us about in college. I hurried inside, set the stack of papers down and went to the bookshelf where all my college materials were gathering dust in the corner. After a few minutes of searching, I pulled it out and stuffed it in my bag so I could make copies the next day.

It was Friday and I had a fresh batch of copies in my bag ready to present the class but I knew I needed to do this on a day when Takuya was fairly coherent. I needed him to be able to think very carefully about what he was writing.

However...I decided to save it for another day as I watched him wearily sway past me and collapse in his spot. He didn't even bother to take his bag off of his shoulder as the contents fell on top of him.

I thought about my resolution from the previous night...

_"The next time I see something weird, or if he says or does anything out of turn...I'm going to ask how things are going at home."_

But for some reason I was stunned in my chair. I stared down at the pen in my hand as my vision focused in and out. A heavy lump formed in my throat, feeling as though it could fall through my entire body at any moment. My mind went blank as I realized an undeniable truth: _at the very least, this child is being neglected._

Suddenly my brain sprang into action as I stared down at my desk.

_"Let's say he **did** have an accident on his friend's trampoline...if he was hurting badly enough that he couldn't even sit in his chair, why didn't his dad take him to the doctor? If he had, they would've given him a note describing his circumstances and suggesting he lie down... And being sent to school without food or any money to obtain food might be an accident but what parent 'accidentally' lets their child starve for a day? Plus if he was feeling so nauseous yesterday why was he allowed to come to school in the first place? Unless no one at home bothered to ask him about it. Maybe he was hiding it but any normal kid would use the slightest feeling of sickness as an excuse to not come to school. That's it...I have to report this...but what if all it does is spook his abuser into using more discreet methods?"_

"Dammit..." I whispered to myself, choking back my tears and plastering a smile onto my face as the second student of the day entered the classroom.

"Good morning!" I said too cheerfully. Through my dense train of thought I myself neglected to address Takuya in his obviously damaged state. Any normal teacher would've probably forced him to go to the nurse's office but he kept saying he didn't want to...and I still didn't know why. So, I continued on with class as usual even though I saw the dead look in his eyes...

At the very least I noticed how the other students were staring at him with concern so I tried to offer an excuse for him.

"Good morning, everyone. Takuya-san isn't feeling well today so he's going to lie down in the back of the class again. Please be respectful of him if he needs to rest at any point."

Roughly an hour went by and I passed out an in-class practice math quiz to each student.

"Ok, please clear your desks except for your pencils so we can take the practice quiz. Don't forget the test is tomorrow so please do your best." I instructed as I handed a few papers to the first person in each line and they passed them back. I sat down at my desk and looked down at the answer key for the quiz, shifting my eyes up to discretely check on Takuya.

It seemed like that expression was glued to his face...he stared blankly into the distance, eyes bobbing as if he was trying to fall asleep but couldn't. Then suddenly his eyes got very wide and he turned his head so his forehead was resting on the floor. His eyes glistened with tears as he involuntarily screamed into the floor, blinking the tears into the carpet and quickly muffling the sound with his hands.

Instinctively, I grabbed the box of tissues from my desk and ran over to him.

"Takuya, are you okay? Do you need to go to the nurse?" I asked frantically.

"No..."

"Are you hurt?"

"I..." He muttered softly, bringing his hands up to his head and clutching onto his hair. His breathing picked up until he was practically hyperventilating.

"No...just a nightmare..." he said, breathing heavily into the carpet.

I was relieved at this excuse since it set the rest of the class somewhat at ease.

"Please continue with the quiz, everyone. Takuya is fine." I said even though I didn't believe my own words. I just wanted to help him calm down, but I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that he obviously wasn't sleeping before...so he must've been lying.

I grabbed one of his hands and placed it on my chest right beneath my collar bone.

"Can you feel my chest rising and falling?"

He nodded, although I could tell he wasn't completely comprehending what was happening.

"Focus on that. Try to breathe together with me." I whispered so as not to alarm the class again.

I had to consciously breathe a little faster to match him so I could gradually slow the pace, but it seemed to be working. His eyes became soft as his muscles relaxed more and more. His eyes began to fall but his heart felt strong through the hand I was holding and he promptly slipped in a peacful sleep.

I decided to let him rest for the remainder of the class even though a part of me wanted to steal him away and force him to tell me what was happening to him. Knowing that wasn't a possibility, I woke him up after everyone left for the day.

" Takuya-san...Takuya..."

"Haru!_"_ His eyes slowly floated open.

"It's time to go home, Takuya."

He inhaled sluggishly, taking in his surroundings.

"_mm_... It was nice..." he mumbled through the exhale.

"What was nice?" I asked, leaning in closer.

"You called me Haru again...it was nice."

I was a bit shocked to hear him say that...but I admired his honesty and stopped for a moment to take in the sight of him: the sun gently dancing off his rosy cheeks, hair fluffy and glistening, those blue eyes piercing through small openings as they drifted off.

I was hit with a sudden realization that I probably meant more to him than I realized. If anything I considered it to be further proof of his abusive home life since kids often latched onto very small acts of kindness when they weren't exposed to that behavior at home.

So, I decided to run with it. Especially if it could help me get closer to him and help his situation.

"Would you like me to keep calling you that?" I asked, injecting as much warmth into my smile as I could.

He blinked again, eyes drifting fluidly around the room through half-open slits.

"Yeah..._huff-"_ He fidgeted and rubbed his eyes lethargically "...would that be weird...?"

In all honesty I thought it _was_ weird on account of the fact that teachers didn't usually call students by their first names. It could even be a red flag to my superiors if they knew, but I was willing to risk that if it meant he would be happier at school.

"Not at all...Haru." I whispered to him as I reached my hand out, offering to help him get up. He took my hand and heaved himself up from the floor, staggering a bit at the end. I picked up his bag, getting ready to sling it over his shoulder but standing there next to him, he still hadn't let go of my hand after helping him up.

"Um...can you help me walk home?" He asked shyly.

"Is your brother not coming to pick you up?" I asked. He immediately tensed up. Was his brother the abuser? No...it couldn't be.

"I'll take that as a no," I said, "well I'm not allowed to walk home with you but I could call your dad if you want."

_"Crap,"_ I thought, _"if that's a sore spot too he might close up on me..."_

"-or maybe...just for today I could drive you...as long as you think he'd be okay with it." I quickly interjected.

"Yes...please..." He said, staring at the floor. We walked slowly to my car hand-in-hand while I carried his school bag.

The car ride was fairly quiet. His head kept falling forward as he continued to doze off. Since his house was fairly close to the school I didn't have to drive very far. As we approached his house he became more and more alert. When we pulled up to his driveway he didn't initially move to get out.

"Haru...we're here." I said, leaning over towards him.

"Hm..?" He said, clearly lost in thought, "oh...okay..."

He still didn't move, and instead chose this moment to try and start up a conversation.

"Hey, Ms. Mizuki...do you have a husband?" He asked, looking out his window.

"Um...no I don't. Why do you ask?"

"I was just curious. Well thanks for the ride...see you later." He said and quickly got out of the car.

_"What was that?"_ I thought to myself as I sat in my car in front of his house. Something made me want to stay in that spot and watch over him all weekend but obviously that wasn't an option. At the very least I noticed his house was on my route home so I figured it might be appropriate, given the circumstances, to take the small detour every once in a while and check up on things.

I drove away, glancing over at my bag in the passenger's seat of the car, the stack of diagrams peaking just over the top...taunting me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch. 6 preview:
> 
> "Breaking Point"
> 
> POV: Ren Takuya


	6. Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Ren's perspective the night he drunkenly rapes his brother from chapter 4. He's speaking in present tense, so this is a bit different than the other chapters since it feels very "in the moment." To set the scene, he's sitting/laying on the floor in his room, taking swigs of whiskey and sobbing, trying to battle these conflicting and new emotions.
> 
> To recap what happens at the end here, Ren ends up aggressively raping Haru while his face is smashed up against the back of his messy closet. In this moment Ren isn't coherent and is going through a slew of memories and thoughts while being black-out drunk. To be clear, that doesn't justify what he does to Haru but I think it's important to recognize that Ren is finally realizing he's a victim and starts seeing this whole situation in a different light. However, this realization in itself can be very traumatic and while he's a victim of his father's wrongdoing, he has now embodied what he hates most about him. 
> 
> That being said...this chapter was actually very difficult for me to write, but I felt it was necessary to go back and highlight this particular moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POV: Ren Takuya

It feels like my thoughts are strangling me...I can't breathe...I can't escape this hell...but it's what made me what I am...

A monster.

I can't even save my own brother...I'm just sitting in my bedroom alone...being a useless piece of shit...just like dad always said:

"You're only good for one thing."

Maybe I'll steal some of his whiskey from the kitchen...he's always drinking it so maybe that'll make all my problems go away. Then he can't get drunk and go on a rampage anyways...

I'll have to be really quiet about this if I'm really gonna steal some of his alcohol...

_Whew!_ Got back to my room safely...fuck it's dark in here.

_AH-_ SHIT, what did I just step on?

God it feels good to lay down...even if it's on the cold floor...

_-_

_chug-_ FUCK, this stuff is disgusting...it burns!

_-chug-_ Shit...

_-chug-_

-_cough-_

...

I don't know what to think anymore...well yeah I do. I just wish I didn't...

I'm such a fucking idiot...to believe the bullshit lies he's been feeding me. This isn't normal...why couldn't I see that before? Why did it take Haru getting involved for me to finally fucking open my eyes...goddammit...

Great...now I'm crying _-sniff-._

_-chug-_

Ahh...this stuff is terrible. I feel...warm... _-sniff-_

"It's a privilege to get to do this since your mom isn't around to do it anymore."

"Doesn't it feel good?"

"I'm so proud of you for doing it so well."

"I don't want anyone else to know...it's just between you and me, right?"

This is my fault...what we're going through is my fault...I should've killed him...or called the police...

But no... _-chug-_ he'll beat me to death if I try anything...'cause he always knows...how is he always one step ahead?

Well... _-hic-_ now I'M a step ahead, fucker...

You can't get drunk and hurt Haru if your precious alcohol's gone...

_-chug-_

Fuck...why can't I just stop thinking already?

_...huff...huff..._

All I have are fragments of memories...why won't they just go away? _-sob-_

_Seeing my erection completely devoured inside my dad's mouth..._

_His fingers massaging my prostate until I cum into his hand..._

_His tongue slicking it's way into my mouth and sucking on mine..._

Of course..._-sniff-_ he planted the seeds already...of course I'd try to justify it when it got worse...

_Swallowing his cum after throwing up from being fucked in the throat..._

_Shoving my prepubescent erection into him as hard as he wanted..._

_Slowly sliding myself onto his dick until it was submerged entirely inside of me..._

"Take all of it, Ren. Yeah, just like that. Can you feel how deep I am inside you? Your ass feels so good..."

How did I go so long believing his lies...

These hands...these hands that have done so many terrible things...I don't deserve to have them... _-sob-_

Fuck...why can't I stop crying? It's Haru who's probably crying right now...being fucked by your own brother? Jesus Christ...

When's Haru coming back from school tonight anyways? _-chug-_ It seems like he's been getting better but...I don't really know. I haven't even talked to him...

Dammit I'm getting dizzy already...is this supposed to happen?

It feels...good though...

_-chug-_

"Dad...I don't think we should be doing this..."

"Shut the fuck up. What do you know? Would you rather I use Haru instead?"

If I hit my head will these memories stop?

_FUCK_\- ouch...

_-chug-_

Sure...don't wait for me to slide onto your dick...just go ahead and shoved it in...

Don't let me inside of you, just make me fuck you with the dildo you bought... _-sniff-_

Fuck through the vomit after making me deep-throat you... _-sob-_

He guilted me so much _-sob-_ ...why couldn't I see that until now? Is it because he's doing it to Haru now too?

_-hic-_

_-sob-_

_-hic-_

** _DAMMIT!!!_ **

Fuck I should probably be quiet... _-sniff-_

Haru...

Haru... _-sob-_

I'm so sorry... _-chug-_

This whole time I've just been...making excuses for him...

Fuck I'm dizzy...

And why do I...have a hard on?

Is it...because I'm thinking of the stuff dad used to do to me?

** _FUCK...GAHHHH_ **

_-sob-_

_-sniff-_

Fuck...

_-sniff-_

FUCK...

_-chug-_

_Guh.._.this stuff is still gross...

..._huff...huff...huff..._

My blood feels heavy...and everything's spinning...

I can't...see straight...but my mind is fading...it's kinda nice actually...

_-chug-_

I wonder if I'll ever be able to have a girlfriend at this rate...

Yuna from class B is really cute...

Fuck if I know... _-sniff-_

"Do you want me to bring Haru into this?"

"If you tell anyone what we do here I swear to God I will kill you _and_ your brother."

"You think you're smart, right? Maybe if can kick the smart right out of you then you won't fight me anymore. How about it?"

"Do you _like_ getting your head slammed into the door? You fucking do don't you? I got a son who likes it rough! My own little masochist! Hallelujah!"

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

_-chug-_

_-hic-_

_-sob-_

Get out...get out...get OUT...GET OUT...**_GET OUT!!!_**

_-sob-_

I'll just hit my head on the floor...yeah...that'll make it stop. If I just...hit it...over _-thud-_ and over... _-thud-_ and over... _-thud-_

Is this what you want, dad? _-sob-_

_-thud-_

Is this...

_-thud-_

\---

Fuck...what the hell happened last night....?

And why is Haru...

...

No...

No no no no...

This can't be happening...

_-wince-_ FUCK my head hurts...

I think I'm gonna throw up...need to get to the bathroom...

_-BLERGH-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7 Preview:
> 
> (title TBD)
> 
> POV: Haru Takuya
> 
> Shout-out if you've made it this far. What do you think of the story so far? Leave a comment and let me know!


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